Review for "Velvet Vampire"

Velvet Vampire

New World

Rated R

82min

RATINGS

Neo

Lee Ritter - Prime example of man-whore gone wrong. The man went down stairs for chicken and ends up screwing Diane then goes back upstairs, where the hot babe is, and can't bring himself to slip her a bit of sour cream for her taco. Thankfully he is biten by Diane and killed before he could do any more harm to the human race by existing!

Diane LeFenn - Either this woman is very trusting or she has no reason to worry when inviting total strangers to stay the weekend with her. Where the hell was Ted Bundy when this woman was roaming the streets? Anyway, she claims to have a rare blood disease but she is actually a vampire looking for her next meal ticket. She plays no real part other than to flash her boobs on screen more than Jenna J.

Susan Ritter - Really hot blonde that just so happens to be stump dumb! Kind of reminds me of a few ex's, cute as hell and not a damn brain amongst them all! Thankfully she rode the trailer to the big park in the sky after she was biten by Carl.

Cliff - Mechanic in the poor dump town who was comissioned to fix the Ritter's car. Actually our little friend Cliff had another idea and set to snooping. This ended in his death after being impaled on a pitchfork trying to run.

Juan - This Mexican Indian is also a servant to Diane with a bit of his own secret. He really didn't need to be in the film which leads me to believe he must have known a guy who knew a guy who dated some girls brother while experimenting in college. Later he is munched by Diane.

Carl Stoker - Get a load of the name. This guy finally shows up at the END of this little suckfest to reveal that he too is a vampire and he actually set the Ritter's up. Oh Van Helsing, where be thou?

*No baby, when you're dead you're dead. Life is for the living!

*It's not polite to hit and run.

*Lee's nice but he's not very observant is he?

*Didn't even thank me for stoppin'.

{bite bite suck suck}

When in the process of raping a woman, it's a bad idea to lay your only weapon down right by her hand.
Lesbian vampires have wonderful taste.
Vampires, despite all myths and legends, can walk around in the broad daylight.
Don't spend the weekend with creepy strangers you only just met in a swingers club.

7min: A creepy stranger you just met asks you to spend the weekend with them in their out of the way desert home, do YOU go?
15min: I certainly hope this whole film isn't done in metaphore!
22min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot!
23min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot!
32min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot!
41min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot!
42min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot!
45min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot!
55min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot!
56min: LESBIANS!!!
62min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot!
67min: LESBIANS!!!

If this film had a moral, a point, or even a plot, I must have totally missed it. I mean after all, I was blinded by all the boobage and long flowy blonde hair that had more screen time than anyone else in the film. Come to think of it. I don't even think this film had a vampire.It did have this really hot brunette babe, Diane, and she did go around biting guys and sucking on various parts of other womens bodies, but they later tell you that she only had a disease. What the hell was all that crap? Have you seen it? If you have than write to me and for the love of all that is holy, tell me what happened. I mean I did see the lesbian kisses and all the groping but what was this film all about? I actually have the urge to watch a marathon of Angel rather than watch this piece of steaming dog crap again.

Lee and Susan are in this swingers bar watching a cheap John Lee Hooker impersonater when they meet Diane. Well their friend Carl introduces them and Lee and the new woman hit it off a little too well. Look Lee, you have that sweet looking piece of blonde tail and yet you want to hump this one like an epileptic jack rabbit with hiccups? Get a frickin' clue! Anyway, Diane invites them to her desert home to spend the weekened. Once there, people start showing up dead and we find out just how perverted Diane really is. They lead you through the whole film thinking that Diane wants Lee when in actuality, it was susie that she wanted all along. Can't says I blame her. The two of them made my self rising tent pop up for some camp time fun. This did all lead to some kickass dreams but it was all wasted in this film.

Over all, this film should come with a warning about causing erections only to be let down later. I think that was the plan all along. Get guys to lose half the blood flow to their brain so they can't think clearly. That way when the end comes and you don't don't, you're too pissed off and horny to realise just how shitty this film really was!! Damn tricksters!