A Return to Salem's Lot
© 1987	Larco Productions
Rated R	100min
RATINGS
Hamster	Neo

Joe Weber - Joe is played by my worst actor nominee Michael Moriarty. Now get this, he is supposed to be an Anthropologist. Talk about a long shot there. I mean hell, aren't you supposed to have at least residue of brain matter to be an anthropologist? Joe hasn't seen his son Jeremy in years and has the bright idea of taking him to a town run by vampires.

Jeremy Weber - Joe's son and very much a problem child. Of course, if I had Michael Moriarty as a father, I would probably have killed myself by now! Even the town filled with vampies would have been much better than having him as a father.

Mr. Van Meer - Who the hell was this guy and what purpose did he really serve? As near as I can tell, he was a nazi hunter and was hunting the town mayor/vamp leader, Judge Axle. If these vamps can't defeat a crippled jew with bad eye sight and even worse aim, who belts out corny one liners as if it was his life on the line, than they deserve to be fried into crispy critters! For some reason this idiot teams up with Joe and Jeremy, yada yada yada.

Judge Axle - Town leader and vampire overlord. That title makes him sound so much cooler than he really is! This is the forerunner of the idea for Joe to write their bible and help ease them into society. I guess Axle here didn't really do his homework, or even watch a copy of "Q: The Winged Serpent!"

Cathy - This piece of sweet sweater meat is Joe's old childhood hootchie who never seemed to age past seventeen years. She is also the bait for Joe to write these poor fools bible. At least she is once she becomes pregnant with Joe's baby. How the hell can the undead get pregnant?

Constable Rains - This was one of what the vamps affectionatly called "Drones", meaning they are non-vamps who police the area and protect them while they sleep during the day. This modern marvel of intellectual strength ends up shooting the head vamps grandson. Not exactly the bright way to climb the vampire ladder.

Amanda - This little D-WIT (Dirty Whore in Training) is the one who seduces Jeremy to the dark side. She is also played by a very young Tara Reid and thus the only reason why she is mentioned in my character list!

*I'd give my right ball to have such working hours.

*I'm sorry to chase off all that bad titty.

*By the look of her, she looks like she's been partakeing in illegal substances, and not that long ago.

*You son of a bitch! If you didn't have my son I would kick your ass all over town until you couldn't suck orange juice!

*Jeremy? Have you ... ah ... did you ... get laid last night?

*I just don't like things that will suck your blood and hold conversaions after.

*I must say, I prefer human blood. Axle says I have a drinking problem.

*It's bullshit! It's anti-human propoganda!

*Vampire life and financial security go together.

• When someone has something in their eye, it's best to just punch it out.
• Car salesmen will actually beg for you to buy a car.
• Vampires, although hundreds of years old, are still less intelligent than a retard.
• Vampires will look to be about 5 months pregnant after a mere few days.
• When anyone with half a brain turns down a role, Michael Moriarty will play it!
• Vampires should be accountants rather than blood hungry killers of the living!
• The birds and the bees talk just isn't what it used to be a few years ago.

2min: Oh God ... it's him. Why didn't "Q" eat him?
3min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot
6min: Had to tackle hamster as he ran for the door after he realised who the main actor was.
10min: Hell, we like some of those other guys more than we like him too and we haven't even met the other guys!
28min: Next, on FOX, "When Raid Grannies Attack!"
31min: This freedom crap is getting out of hand!
33min: Shouldn't you have picked someone who can speak proper English?
34min: Michael Moriarty and credibility do not go in the same sentence.
36min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot
37min: Is she still considered underage?
43min: Vampire cows? Oh this is new.
47min: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!
48min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot
53min: YES!!Club him like a baby seal.
67min: Now hit Joe!
75min: Where the hell did they get Holy water?
81min: You tell that empty bed who's boss Mr. VanMeer
95min: God Bless America!

Joe, Moriarty, is an anthropologist out studying some tribes fertility rite when he gets called back to the states because of some emergency with his son, whom he hasn't seen for 3 years. To make a long, boring, and frankly awful story, short, his ex-wife lied and made the problem sound worse than it really was just to get him there and pawn off the kid, shipping them both off to Salem's Lot while her and her new beau toured the world, or something. During the trip to Salem's Lot they engage in a reunion speech reminscent of a root canal. Although we do find out that Joe once lived here and sets forth the question of "If you lived in a town inhabited by centuries old vampires, why 'return'?"

Once back in Salem's Lot we see that it has been over run by inbred hicks. They call them "drones" but we would call them abominations of nature. Well these Vampies allow them to run the town and live there while they sleep. Not exactly a buzzing town since these town runners consist of a topless, toothless gas station attendent named Gomer or something, an antique dealer who obviously knows nothing of commerace, and a police officer who must have read the Barney Fife handbook on police work!

I suppose I should give this film some sort of credit though. I mean it did have some amazing gore. Well amazing for a Stephen King story anyway. Some good Vampire melting, buckets upon buckets of blood, and rabid attacking grannies. That about covers the good stuff. Unfortunatly, like most films on this site [not all], it had a higher level of sucktitude than other films. Crappy actors, like Moriarty, the worst editing I have ever seen this side of "Barn of the Blood Llama", and awful run down sets. Wait, let me stop here for a second. I know I always comment on the editing but this film just took the cake. When a hook is thrust into someone and with each changing camera angle, the position of the hook changes, you know it had bad editing. When the weapon in the person's hand not only changes hands, but changes weapons, you know it had bad editing. One minute the villian is humanoid and the next he is a walking eggplant with no transformation scene or sounds, you know it had bad editing. Now I know this is also considered continuity but it is the editors job to see this before the final cut goes out. Did everyone in the crew just not care? I'm not making this up either, these are actual examples.

Anyway, the town full of vamps decide they want to recruit Jeremy, Joe's braindead offspring, into their ranks and they also want Joe to write their "Bible" for when they go public ... in about 200 years. Yes, they want someone with such superb speech techniques like "Jeremy, did you get laid last night?" to represent them in the hopes of being accepted. They want him so badly they get him to knock up his childhood girlfriend, who has remained 17 years old, and use the unborn child as leverage. Look people, Moriarty is no prize! Get someone else who knows what words in the English language go together. Now one other question does come to mind though, if she remained 17, is it still considered illegal since she is under 18 physically or will her spiritual age come into play? Also, how the hell can she be knocked up? She's dead.

I just wish I was struck dead while watching this film so I wouldn't have to watch the whole thing, but alas, my prayers are still left unanswered! I guess I will just go pop in some Pachelbel and hope beyond hope that I will forget all I have seen this evening!