Ghoulies
1985Empire Pictures
Ghoulie Prod.
Rated PG-1381min
RATINGS
Neo


Jonathan Graves - This is the main idiot of the film. He inherits this house filled with vertically challenged demons and invites all his friends to a house warming party. Of course he has to dabble in the black arts and summon spirits ahead of time so all these said friends can die. Why, oh why, wasn't he killed at birth?

Becky - This is Jon's not-so-bright girlfriend who must have fallen out of the ugly tree, hitting every damn branch on the way down. Like most women should, she becomes Jon's slave. (I know this ought to result in a fewemails. heeheehee) Praise be to Gaia that she ends up falling down some stairs and killed. Unfortunatly she is reanimated though. raffa-snaffa-rabble-ruba-bitcha ...

Wolfgang - Before his new found glory in cooking and over priced restaurants in downtown Disney, Wolfgang was a caretaker for Jonathan's house and yard. Boy, has he come a long way. I suppose the reason behind his success is that he also practices the dark arts and tries to help Jon. MmMmMm, Now I want a goat cheese pizza topped with squid. I wonder if Wolfgang's delivers?

Mark - Mark is the not very sutle assclown in the group. He is obsessed with tickeling and basically making an ass of himself. Wait ... I think I was insulted when my friend sais I reminded him of Mark .. (shudder) I am going to make him PAY!!! Anyway, Mark is attacked by a few bald Ghoulies. There may still be justice out there.

Dick - The name says it all! nuff said! Well that and he is killed by a giant tongue.

Donna - Perhaps the cutest girl in this whole film. You can tell her since she stands alone purly on beauty but also by her extremely loud blue clothes. Thank God the fashion of the 80's didn't stick!

Robin - Next best looking girl who has a much better fashion sense being dressed in leather. MmMmMm ... Goat cheese ...



*It's not like anyone can wreck the place or anything.

*Man, You should have seen the quim I poked last night!

*I need to dismiss the spirit.

*If you are worthy to serve me, you'll drink. If not, you'll burn!

*Where are your gods now? They too are mine!

*Kiss me my son, kiss me. Let me drain the life from your lips!





4min: That's a bad sign when even the monsters can't watch!
6min: Are these considered RGBS's?
8min: Yeah, but does he have "Leprechauns for Dummies?"
14min: Oh man. White break dancing. Isn't this one of the seven signs of the apocalypse?
22min: How ironic. The 2 gay guys are checking out the closet. Gotta love that artistic symbolism.
33min: Did he just say "Farrah Fawset's tooth?" (Please excuse the on purpose misspelling. After this film I'm amazed I even remember what letters are!)
37min: You just saw a guy in a dress wearing eyeliner and brandishing a giant fork? Hmmm, I wonder if his name was Jerry O'Brian?
50min: I thought we weren't supposed to see the wires in the finished cut!



Oh where to begin on this piece of cinematic injustice. I suppose the plot is as good a place as any.

We begin the film with a Rutger Hauer wannabe performing some kind of evil ceremony as he prepares to sacrifice a baby. I can only guess it was the child's mother who came running out of the crowd like some kind of jilted Jerry Springer guest in the hopes of stopping her master from killing the child and allowing this film to go on. She puts some sort of amulet on the kid and somehow, not even the warlock can touch the baby. In steps this greasy looking fat guy who wisks the child away to safety, or to work as child labor in his nasty downtown brooklyn pizza shop.

Now we fade to present day where we see Jonathan and his ugly as all hell girlfriend Becky are now living in the same exact house. Some how Jonathan inherited this mansion from an uncle or something. Here's a twist though, Jonathan was the child sacrifice & he has an amazing interest in the occult and it's practices. Ironic huh? I know, I didn't think so either! Now once inside the house, Jonathan sets to cleaning this sty and stumbles across an alter where he was almost slain in the name of evil, or good cinematic taste. You make the call.

Jonathan begins showing signs of evil as he gets the alter back up and running. Now with the help of his unwittingly friends, he summons forth the demon people known only as "Ghoulies." He also calls upon 2 of the shortest dwarves I have ever seen to be his servants. Around this time Jonathan has also deceided to sacrifice his friends. (Maybe this film isn't so bad after all) This somehow brings Malcom Graves, the evil priest and Jonathan's father ***Surprise twist***, back to life and begins to reclaim what is rightfully his. (I take it back. This film sucked ass! Not good ass either. We're talking Richard Gere at happy hour ass!)

Remember, I have seen suckfests and crapfests. I have gazed in wide-eyed wonder at the symbols of failure set to film. I have set death threats to directors who should have been eaten at birth. I have even knocked myself unconscious just to escape the torment of certain masterpieces of filth. But nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to see in this film. Now I am a defender of the belief that the 80's spawned some of the best horror ever made, but whoever gave the OK for this PG-13 bag of shee-ot to be made should be forced to watch "Curse of the Screaming Dead" over and over! Why you ask? Well how about these reasons ...

The leading lady looked like she was strung out on some sort of crack/crystal meth combo. NO ONE died except for the already dead.The ending has been done since the days of cavemen telling stories and used in some of the worst ways."ugh ugh, don't look behind you, ugh wooly mammoth in back seat ugh ugh." The battle of the mages reminded me of something like Bea Arthur and Estelle Getty in a naked jello martial arts showdown, it just wasn't pretty! And the demons were some of the cheapest I have ever seen. Well I did pick up a copy of "Demon Keeper" so maybe not.

Anyway, If you haven't seen this already, feel lucky. I still have parts 2-4 to review for you fine folks. I CERTAINLY HOPE YOU APPRECIATE WHAT I DO FOR YOU!!! Feel free to send money to "Neo's Return to Sanity Fund."