Review for "The Devonsville Terror"

The Devonsville Terror

New West
Films

Rated R

82min

RATINGS

Hamster

Neo

Jenny Scanlan - New Teacher in Devonsville. Thought to be the reincarnation of Rebecca sent to Devonsville to get revenge for herself and Sara.

Walter Gibbs - Fat guy who owns the corner store in Devonsville. Kills his wife and ends up bringing back the Witches. Melted by Jenny.

Dr. Worley - Towns only doctor. He is also a decendant of one of the original persecutors of the Devonsville Witches. Subject to the family curse of being eaten alive by worms from the inside. Helps Jenny and breaks the curse.

Matthew Pendleton - One of the only guys in town to actually respect Jenny and her friends. Kind of a meaningless character. Only thing that makes him stand out is that he is NOT an ass-clown. Has some sort of sick fetish for witches.

Ralph Pendleton - Matt's brother and some what inbred. Has his head exploded by Jenny.

Aaron Pendleton - Matt and Ralph's father. Helps lead the revolt to kill the new "witches" and thus takes an axe to the head by his wife.

Monica - New town D.J. Reincarnation of the witch Mary. Dragged to death behind a beat up Chevy.

Chris - Naturalist/Environmentalist/Tree hugging hippy. Reincarnation of the witch Jessica. Ravaged and eaten by dogs.

Jessica Morley, Rebecca Parson, & Mary Pratt - The original 3 witches to Devonsville. Persecuted and executed as such. Eaten by Pigs, Burned at the stake, & Set a rollin' on a flaming wheel.

*But I like witches!

*I am redeemed. The curse of the worms is cured. All who were guilty are gone or soon to be brought to justice. The Devonsville Terror is over.

*Only evil will out evil!

Avoid small towns in the North East.
Every night seems to have a full moon.
Apparently past life regression is a part of physicals and aides in high blood pressure.
Witches can hold grudges for several centuries
Eyes seem to melt slower than even cartiledge.
It doesn't pay to be a good looking witch in a completely inbred town!
God is apparently a woman.
Never trust your pets. They'll eat you the first chance they get.
It doesn't pay to be different. Conform or die at the mouths of man eating pigs!

1min: GAH!!! Those little pilgrim children freak me out!
2min: Don't make pigs of yourselves. hehehe, Oh God this is going to suck!
9min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot
10min: Chastised, burned, and hit by lightening. This is just not her night!
11min: Is someone torturing a cat?
13min: Got acting lessons?
14min: I think it actually goes "Speak no evil." but hey, whatever.
16min: That's some serious soap scum!
21min: Beloved wife my ass.
22min: This congregation absolutely has no rythem.
30min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot
32min: This house is the scariest thing in the movie next to those pilgrim brats.
35min: I hope he plays violin better than he acts... I guess not.
36min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot
43min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot
53min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot
54min: Random act of violence against a tree.
57min: Didn't that particuar Satan have a guest spot on Sesame Street?
70min: EEEK!!! It's those damn pilgrim brats again!
77min: Shouldn't his eyes have melted too?
80min: Thank God it's over!

"In a town this small, there's bound to be some inbreeding!"

*sigh* I hate you Devonsville! Unfortunatly, this movie had some of the worst character development I have ever seen. And I have seen Curse of the Screaming Dead ... TWICE! When are the people who are making horror movies going to realise that I am not going to care if a character dies if they don't bother to put any developement behind it. Oddly, instead of giving screen time to the five witches we are supposed to feel sorry for, who get brutally murdered, this movie spent huge amounts of time on the single portly villian and the idiotic conversations of inbred hicks scattered across Devonsville. Most of which, give men, and humans in general, a bad name!

In the beginning of this long, boring movie, some self righteous jack-ass minister, kills 3 women he accusses of being witches. The first is ripped apart by pigs, the second is tied to a burning wheel and rolled down a hill (actually a popular past time inmy native Cuba, there's not much to do there.), the third witch is burned at a stake AND hit by lightening.

Now damn it, this pisses me off. Yes, let's go out and kill anyone who doesn't believe in your stupid religion. Oh yeah baby, let's murder everyone who doesn't share your idiotic beliefs. Stupid pilgrims make me want to smash stuff!! MUST DESTROY FURNITURE!!! oh no ... I'm ... blacking ... out ... not ... again ....

Anyway's destroying Neo's coffee table with an axe helped to aliviate some of my misdirected rage. Neo was not amused, at least not until we started mixing Coke and Mike's Hard Lemonade. Then it all started to feel better.

Well the movie flashes forward to madern day and a new teacher arrives in town. She tells her students that God may be a woman (Well duh!). Naturally the ignorant hicks now hate her for this. At this point, nearly a full hour of mind numbingly boring scenes prance on by with out rhyme or reason. In the whole process, we learn two other women have arrived in Devonsville. One is a radio disc jockey who preaches women's lib on her show (a sin in this town) and the other is a no good dirty tree hugger. Cute though. After the three stupidest men in town are shot down by the lovely ladies, they decide to brand the girls ... dum dum dum ... reincarnated witches. One wonders what the writer was smoking at the time he wrote this film. Mayhem finally ensues, leading to the deaths of two out of three witches and the three loser townmen. But there were so many more who should have died! *sigh* The makers of this film should have spent more time developing the characters of the tree hugger, the D.J., and the two other villians. They spent way too much time on the teacher, the portly wife killer, and those annoying dream sequences.

This film has a very special meaning to me. It seems to have driven Hamster insane and put my mother to sleep. I have to love a film that gives me such peace like this!

Anyway, although not that bad of a film, it was amazingly irritating. I hated certain people with passions and wanted others to sufer horrible deaths like "hunda hunda". What I did get was no where near what they deserved. A melted face, eaten by pigs, and dragged for miles behind a beat up Chevy, was not on my list of wanted deaths. Although, I did wish for a few of those for myself so I wouldn't have to watch the rest of this flick.

At one point I even had to stop the film and take a brief pause while hamster took an axe to my coffee table. I was not happy about that one little bit. You know how hard it is to get a hold of a giant wire spoil? He did finally stop and settled back with a cool glass of milk, I hit the harder stuff, and he contemplated the cruelty and insensitivity towards witches today.

All in all it was a bad little film. An over used premise, second rate acting, and some of the worst dialogue I have ever heard on screen. The stereo-typical rednecks almost hurt to watch and I've seen better acting in tough acting Tinactin! The only reason to watch this film, is for all the Breast Shots and Donald Pleasence.