DarkWolf
200220th Century
Fox
Rated R94min
RATINGS
Neo


Josie "Jo-Jo" Pagano - This cute blonde bimbo is one of the stars of this so-called "film." I almost feel bad for her! That is until I see her act and see just what the hell her character is. She works by day and is an aspiring med student by some other day. Oh, and on her off time, she is a pure-bred werewolf that holds the fate of all werewolves in her dna. Nothing major.

Steve Turley - Steve is the cop in charge of a secret division found in stations around the world. They study, stop, and all around bother the "supernatural" beings that live around there. This also includes Vampires and such. His only redeeming quality is that he ends up with Josie but again, that's his ONLY redeeming quality!

Lance Hartigan - groan. He goes from leaing 21 Jumpstreet to heading up a secret division of werewolf hunters? There is just no hope for some people. Anyway, before Steve takes over leading the group, Lance was head man in charge. Of course, it was also he who screwed up the arrest of DarkWolf and paid for it by being torn to shreds in the back of the police prisioner transport van.

McGowan - Although somewhat cute, she's no Rose McGowan! She was Steve's temp partner while they found someone who knew what they were doing, or at least could act. She ends up being shredded in the Hospital after her previous run in with DarkWolf. Talk about having your ass handed to you on a plate!

Mary - Mary is a homeless woman who seemed to follow Jo-Jo around. Every so often Josie feels bad and brings her some food and is punished by having to sit there and listen to the ramblings of this coot! It just so happens that Mary is also a 900+ year old woman who has been a sort of "watcher," in the Highlander sense, of Werewolves and Josie's sworn protector. On the side she is also an informant for Steve and thankfully pays for this act being becoming lunch for DarkWolf.

Stacey - I liked this girl. Although not the best looking of the group, Josie's friend here wanted to pose nude for an amateur photographer. It is the hopes and dreams like this that make me wish I studied photography! She must also be part detective, or psychic, since she happened to know exactly where to find certain people after they ran off. She gets her fame in this film after making out with another nude model while dressed in nothing but body paint and being photographed! That is until she is fodder for hodder. (snicker)

Tom - This is Josie's useless and jealous boyfriend. Not much can be said about him other than I wouldn't expect to see him in anything with a budget over $30k from now on! His is eventually torn apart and hung in an old warehouse.



*Why the shiney guns?

*He desires to mate with her.

*You're catching on Snow White.

*You're as smart as a dull tack!

*Well if it isn't the big bad wolf.

*Looks like some fleas are going to be looking for a new home tonight.





1min: A titty bar already? What an opening!
20min: That's funny, they usually glow green!
26min: It's only police evidence, you might as well take it.
35min: He's a make-up artist? HE SUCKS!
50min: FULL FRONTAL NUDITY!
60min: Could have done without that scene!
67min: Did you just call her "dude?"
90min: One more F*cking joke and I'll kill him myself!



What the hell was I thinking volunteering to review this piece of crap? There was nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, of value about it! The nude scenes? The CGI? The ... NO, Nothing about it! I really think I would have enjoyed watching something like "Jack Frost" instead. The Disney version that is.

I guess I should start with the plot before going into everything else that's wrong with it. It all starts in a strip club, it's no MONS VENUS but it's still boobs, and you think "Great Start!" Unfortunately this scene is ruined by one Detective Lance Hartigan and his band of misfit rookies chasing Kane Hodder's character, known only as "Biker Guy." After Kane's arrest he is put into a paddy wagon for transport. This part had to have been for comedic relief since the punch holes are clearly visible before the werewolf's rampage.

After Lance's death, steve must now fill his new partner, McGowan, in on the whole secret police organization bit. This helps to set up the plot line and provides us with a bit of backstory, as useless as it is. That, in it's self, was probably the highlite of the film but it ends up leadig us to Mary, a homeless woman who is also a protector of the very important, and very cute, Josie. That's kind of comical too if you think about it. Ok, maybe I'm the only one who see's the irony in it. From there the action kicks in and many many deaths ensue!

This ironically also marks the downfall of this film. The action was so cheap and unthought-out that I almost felt insulted that I paid for it. Who ever wrote this crap must have been extremely high on crack! This wasn't the only problem though. The all too obvious CGI transformations were horrible and reminded me of something off of an Atari Jaguar system. My buddy at Concussion Graphics could have done a much better job and I am sure at half the price they probably paid. Timmy isn't even in the major film business yet either. It just boggled my mind that these people could do something so disgusting. It was even worse then the CGI bits of Sega CD games.

Right around this time I felt my sanity and braincells slipping away. The transformations weren't the only bad part though. although they do take the title of "Worst." We had to be subjected to Kane's naked ass. Now one of my best bud's has since watched it and promised a reader review for it but he also says it's not Kane's ass but a stunt-butt. Now what worries me is that he took the time to find this out AND the fact that they actually used a stunt ass!? Don't get me wrong, Kane is a good looking guy and I am sure he has a nice ass, I JUST DON'T WANT TO SEE IT!!! He is also a bit deformed with shoulders that are way too rounded. He looks like a G.I.Joe figure! His speaking parts are also a great big no-no! Kane is a great guy and fun to talk with, but he really should just stick to the roles that cover him up as well as keep him quiet! At least he's getting paid to do it, even if it is unjustly earned.

To spare Kane, he wasn't the only bad actor. Wayne was played by a total jackass and Turley was probably the most unbelievable character in the whole cast. This all goes up against characters like a homeless 900+ year old sage, a gay spanish make-up artist, and a jealous jock who is dating one of the cutest blondes I have ever seen. Don't even get me started on the 21 Jumpstreet reject either. Oh, and about the plot? Nothing within could dare top the ending. I mean come on, no one said it had to be a specific eye. Not even the sage who had been watching and recording for over 900 years!

All the bad parts aside, it did have a good point. The idea was a very good one, although not all that original. It did have the same general plot as other flops like, say "Vampire in Brooklyn," but executed about half as well. I suppose I may be a bit biased since I saw this about a day after "Underworld" and 2 years after my last viewing of "American Werewolf in London" and maybe a few more since "Bad Moon." It's pretty hard to follow such greats I suppose. This film also had one thing that did beat out all other wolfie films. It had 2 pretty cute girls in a photoshoot making out while painted up to look like half wolf, half human, babes. Don't get excited though. When I heard about this before my seeing it, it was refered to as a lesbian scene. All they did was kiss a couple of times. No heavy petting here boys! What I am saying is don't go in expecting a softcore porn. You'll come out like I did feeling like you just watched an Oxygen special.

To summerize, would I see it again? Probably not. Would I tell anyone else to watch it? Only if I want them to suffer. Is it better than other films? Only against the likes of Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker. I think I will send these guys copies of Screenplays for Dummies and The Complete Idiots Guide to Film Making in the hopes they will read and learn!