Zombie Nightmare
© 1986Gold Gems
Rated R89min

Tony Washington - Played by a guy named Thor. This right away should have sent off signals in my brain but I guess I was blinded by the cool 80's rock soundtrack. Tony enjoys wheatgerm, softball, and quite rainy nights. Ends up being rundown by rich kids before returning from the dead to seek revenge.

Molly Mokembé - VooDoo priestess who brings Tony back from the dead to get the revenge he deserves, as well as a little for herself thrown in. Fluent in Gibberish and bears a remarkable resembelence to George Clinton. I wonder where the P Funk All-Stars were when she got shot by Captain Tom.

Jim Badden - This looney has a very odd idea of what is cool in the ways of picking up women. Also a little blurred as to where the line for "in league" and "out of his league" stands. Since he was the one driving the car that ran down Tony, he was thankfully impailed on Tony's bat!

Captain Tom Churchman - Rapist turned Police Captain. This waste of human flesh was played by none other than Adam West. Holy Crapfest Batman, he was eaten by Tony's Dad!

Louise "Ma" Washington - Tony's mom and witness to Mr. Washington's death. She was the one who sent for Molly and had her reanimate her now dead son. This woman leads a very cursed life. I wouldn't stand with-in 100 feet of this woman!

Amy - Ok, It's now time for Tia Carrera to bust out that bottle of white-out. Amy was the cute, but not all that bright, Asian girl. Tight jeans and 80's style hair was rampant on this babe. Too bad she was crushed by Tony against a door.

Peter Winston - This was the cute blondes boyfriend. Kind of an idiot and thankfull removed from the gene pool quickly. Kind of ironic since he had his neck broken and left for dead in a jacuzzi.

Suzie - *sigh* Again, People wonder why there are so many blonde jokes? Cute but no brains. In fact, Tony tried to look for them after he bashed her skull in. He left disappointed and with a feeling of unfulfillment.

Bobby - This was a lesser character. I guess if I had to pick someone who was the brains of the group, It would have had to have been this idiot. Eventually he gets his face smashed into a car by Tony, and rightfully so!

Detective Frank - Frank is the dick who is investigating the recent murders that have been happening all over town. He is able to put two and two together and track down Molly, but alas, like all graduates of the Barney Fife School of Incompetence, he is too slow to save anyone!

*I wouldn't come back to this hole if I was 41!

*You cutah da hair, you losah da strength.

*OoOoOo. I like that. I always wanted to make it with my older sister!

*My religion forbids inter-species mating.

*Christ on a crutch Frank.

1min: WHOA! It's George Clinton!
2min: Get off of her Phil, you're gonna kill'er.
13min: Wow. He's so strong he didn't even have to connect with that punch.
20min: What the hell is she saying? Let me just raise the volume a bit.
22min: What in thee blue hell is saying? Maybe I need to raise the volume a bit more.
24min: I can't understand a damn word she is saying. Maybe I should turn it up a little more.
26min: Oh, Good idea. Give the angry zombie a bat!
30min: OoOoOo. YES!! The Chinese food has arrived. Pardon me hamster while I go pay for this.
32min: She is a great loser!
33min: Another POV shot. Each one more rampant and riddled with unoriginality.
34min: Tightie-whiteys and a hot tub. This can't end well!
36min: Random act of violence against a doorway
48min: Somebody please tell Molly to speak slowly and clearly!
60min: I see he speaks the same language as Molly
72min: Obviously this guy has never heard of the Horror Movie Survival Guide. It's on our homepage folks. Check it out and learn from it!
77min: I see editing wasn't a key point in this film!

As soon as the opening credits popped up, and I saw Adam West's name, I bolted for the door as fast as The Flash going for his last condom when Wonder Woman comes by for a quicky. Unfortunatly I blacked out before I reached the door.

This movie lied to us. It says clearly on the box "Vicious Killers would die incredibly gorey deaths". Movies that make claims like this almost universally fail to deliver. I should sue! The 'vicious killers' turn out to be a bunch of dumb teenagers who accidentally run down some big doofy Italian guy. Hit's kinda close to home, huh Neo? hehehe One by one the supposed 'vicious killers' die crimanlly unimaginative deaths. There was noneof the promised gore, not even a hint of it. Who's killing the teens in this film? A zombie raised by VooDoo shaman Molly. Molly is one of those 'special' characters.

She spoke fluent gibberish. She can also speak pretty good mumbling nonsense. I couldn't understand a single word this fecking woman kept saying. I kept raising the volume in the hopes of making out some sort of dialect.

Then there's that ass-clown Adam West. Why, oh Goddess why, do I have to put up with this heinous ass-clown? Oh yeah, because Neo is a douche bag who didn't tell me that he was in this suckfest. When will people learn not to cast the man who practically ruined Batman.

As it turns out, Molly is using the zombie, not just to get revenge for his poor mother, but to also avenge her own attempted rape at the hands of West's character. Isn't using someone else's zombie against some sort of VooDoo shaman ethical clause or something?

At least everybody dies in this one.

This review was not fun to do. See, I knew it was doomed from the beginning when, Holy sucktitude Batman, Adam West's name came across the screen. Having some sort of delusion that Adam West nearly ruined the Batman name and claiming that I never told him he was in it, Hamster tore himself from the chair made a beeline for the door. His face contorted in some sort of horrific expression and tears streamed from his eyes like some sort of cheap anime character. I had to do a triple back flip while removing my shoe as I lept from the couch. I did my best impersonation of a Xena battle cry and let loose the "VANS Sneaker of Death."Patent Pending. Clubbing him in the back of the head, it knocked him unconscious.

The look upon his face when he finally came to and found himself hog-tied and facing the T.V. with eyes taped open, was kind of funny though. In the long run he did get revenge. I couldn't understand most of the dialogue since one of the characters was a Haitian woman fluent in Gibbernese and hamster whined and cried like a little bitch with a skinned knee through the whole thing.

I am almost thankful though since Zombie films are one of my favorites. On my list of most enjoyable zombie films would have to be "Let Sleeping Corpses Lie", "Day of the Dead", Fulci's "Zombie", "Dellamorte Dellamore" & "Tomb of the Blind Dead." Let me just say that this film had no where near as much appeal as those films. Save for the lame-ass 80's rock soundtrack, this film had nothing!

We begin the film in the past where Tony, our lead and dare I say, Hero, is watching his father coach a softball team through practice. Once practice is over and everyone is on their way home, Tony and his parents stumble upon a couple of hooligans trying to rape a teenage Haitian chick. Tony's father excuses himself and promptly begins to interfere, breaking up the crime duo. After a few well placed punches and kicks, Mr. Washington is "victorious" and begins to see to the young woman. Suddenly, from no where, one of the would-be rapists lunges from the bushes and drives a knife deep into the side of Mr. Washington, killing him and forcing him to collapse on top of this poor girly.

We then cut to present day where we see what Justine Bateman would look like if she was on steroids. Oh Crap. That's Tony all grown up. Guess what, he's playing softball. Is this some sort of irony or something? Anyway, he skips home swinging his bat like a hooker with a string of pearls. But, rather than being happy for his teams victory, his mother reminds him that he forgot the groceries and sends him on his way to the local corner store. Once again he skips off swinging that damn bat!

While there we see the stereo-typical Italian behind the counter telling Tony "nevah to cutah da hairah." Tony then reminds himself that he forgot the Wheatgerm and heads for the back of the store to shoot up ... er ... I mean to get the wheatgerm. Now two potential robbers come into the store and begin to hold it up. God how I wanted them to spray that guy behind the counter full of lead. He gave a bad name to my nationality! Alas, that day never came as Tony now sets about to wiping the floor with these guys. Tony is now rewarded by not having to pay for the groceries and allowing him to invest the money he saved into more ... "wheatgerm." Anyway, Tony leaves the store and is promptly run over by a few "savage" suburban teens in their pops Mercedes. We saw these clowns get thrown out of a night club earlier in the film.

"Mario" and a few others grab Tony's body and deliver him to his mother where Louise then sends one of the delivery boys off to get Molly Mokembé, because she "owes her a favor." Well I certainly hope that if I am ever run down by a pack of raging idiots, that my mother sends off for a VooDoo Priestess that owes her a favor rather than calling the police or something else I may need, LIKE A FECKING AMBULANCE! We now find out that Molly is the little girl that Tony's dad saved in the early flashback, now turned VooDoo Priestess. Now she sets about to reanimating Tony to get his revenge, and a little of hers as well.

Oh this film was awful. I almost felt bad for clocking hamster upside his little furry head. I would have apologized too, had it not been for his constant whining about how Adam West was in it and something about how he met Mr. West in a mall in California. I guess Mr. West touched him in his bathing suit area and asked him to be his "special robin?" I don't know. Anyway, I was happy it was over and hamster is doing well in his therapy. They tell me that he will soon be able to use the finger paints again. Keep up the good work!