Witchouse
1999Full Moon
Entertainment
Rated R72min
RATINGS
HamsterNeo




Elizabeth - Cute girl who was picked on in school for being different. Turns out she has a dark family secret, she's a witch! Death by dagger from Jennifer.

Lilith Le Fey - Ancestor of Elizabeth. Lilith is a 300 year old witch who was burned at the stake and now seeks revenge. Killed by applied sciences.

Jack Smith - Nerdy guy who is studying applied sciences in college. Doesn't get out much and thinks that talking about the wiring lay out of old mansions will land him dates. I only wish I had a death to type in for this idiot!

Jennifer Bainbridge - Decendant of the sacrifice Lilith used a few centuries past and a friend of Beth's. Kind of ironic I think. Anyway, she's a history major in college and ends up killing Beth.

Janet - Hot blonde guitarist babe. For some ungodly reason has a sort of "thing" for Tony. Gets killed by her own power and a mirror.

Tony - This man smoked his last brain cell! Perfect example of what drugs can do to your brain. Ends up beheaded by Maria. Not like a major loss. He never used it anyway.

Maria Darrow - Stuck up snobbish cheerleader b*tch. The kind of girl you dream about as an kid, yet grow to hate once you get past the boobs! Possessed and killed in the mansion of death!

Scott - Football player and boyfriend to the snob, Maria. Not a useful character and quite frankly, not a memorable one either. Thankfully he was also possessed and killed.

Brad Peyton - You would think for a Physics major he would have showed a bit more brains. Alas, no. Hell, this moron couldn't even call his own cab! To our joy and amusement he has his life sucked out of him by Lilith.

Bob and Margaret - First ones to the party and the first ones killed, and rightfully so! They were just useless Witch fodder. Both beheaded by Elizabeth. Go Beth, it's your birthday, Go Beth!





*Nice place for an Amittyville sequel anyway.

*Eternity. It's a real bitch!

*Had to talk about the wiring, didn't you?

*That's a rhetorical question goofball.

*Make like a baby and head out.

*It would be a real bitch if you came back from the dead to take over the world and someone burned your f*cking instruction manual!

*Have a drink, you always have fun when you drink.









2min: That little whore looks like she was clubbed like a baby seal with the ugly stick!
4min: Yes, let's have sex in a stranger's creepy basement. This wont end well.
13min: Tabacco? Whatever man. I tried that one too and it just doesn't fly!
15min: This is your brain. This is your brain on Gold Paint!
21min: That heart! The beating of that horrid heart!
23min: Goddess! This looks like it was filmed at a cheap roadside inn in the middle of feckin' no where.
31min: Why can't you call your own cab wuss boy?
32min: They're meant for each other! Just so long as they don't breed!
36min: Usually I use a phone to call for a cab, but hey, if you want to use demons and angels, more power to you!
38min: Two heads are better than one.
39min: Might be time to RUN BRAD!
46min: Not a drug addict? You brought your own bong to a party! You're in denial Tony!
52min: Random act of violence against a guitar.
61min: What the hell did she just say?
62min: Random act of violence against a crucifix
66min: Almost but not quite a cat fight.
68min: That's it? This movie is only 68 minutes long? I feel ripped!




Well in this little gem by Full Moon, Elizabeth, a modern day witch, invites her friends to her large spooky house for a party. The party seems to have a Halloween theme, despite the fact it's summer, not October. I personally feel we should have two Halloweens a year and two Christmas as well to stimulate the economy. We can call them "H2" and "C2". H2 will fall under May 30th and C2 under July 25th. Well anyways, it turns out our lovely host, Elizabeth, is the decendant of a witch. The party is to commorate the day her ancestor was strapped to the stake and used to roast marshmellows.

Through out the course of the night the guests discover a few things. One, All the guests but one are decended from the witch hunters who barbequed poor Elizabeth's ancestor. Two, There's no way out of Beth's mansion. It's sealed up tighter than a frog's anus. Three, the mansion has shotty wiring. Fourth, and most importantly, Elizabeth has summoned her dead ancestor, Lilith from beyond the grave to kill them all. See how much fun H2 can be?

Well the guests start dropping like mosquitoes attracted to a bug zapper. As they systematically die uninteresting deaths, two of them come up with a plan, which while stupid and ill-concieved, somehow manages to work. Thus resulting in the deaths of the witches. Which is a shame since I was rooting for the witches the whole time. :-(

This movie was a dog, but it was a fun dog. I was laughing my ass off the whole time. I especially loved the dimwitted Tony, and the tough cutie Janet. They had the best dialogue, which had to be all improv because the films writer would have had to have been mentally slow. Perhaps he sniffed too much glue, or he walked in on his parents doing the hot and nasty and never recovered.

Most of the other characters were kind of annoying. Especially the wussy guy who had a bad dream and asked Beth to call him a cab. This is the same ass-clown who later walked in on Beth using his two friends severed heads in a ceremony to raise Lilith and didn't haul ass like he should have. Don't you just hate characters with no sense of self preservation?

This film was bad but really fun! I mostly stared blankly at the screen and giggled uncontrolably as I switched my brain off and gaped at the silly suckfest that I payed eight bucks for. Wait a second ... Eight bucks! I paid eight bucks for this crap? Suddenly this isn't funny anymore!






Well, what can you say about a film shot entirely in Romania with characters that are so annoying you begin wishing it was time for Mardi Gras beads (see Neo's bio for reference.)? Oh but that's not all. Throw in the fact that it was a newer Full Moon film and a rehashed plot straight from the rip off table of some other horrid films. What do you get? I'll tell you, you get 68 minutes of your life wasted that you will never again have back and a raged hamster upset that he spent $8 on that wasted time.

What an odd little film. Hamster and I went to Blockbuster to get Cheerleader Camp and instead we walked out with this. I noticed a little too late that it was a Full Moon piece of crap. Hamster had already paid for it and now we were stuck with it. Way to investigate first Hamster!

Well, we start this film off with Bob and Margaret (Wasn't that a short lived British cartoon on Comedy Central?), rolling up on Elizabeth's mansion. It seems they were invited to some party she was throwing and they got there a little too early. Well, as most idiots do, they decided to go on in and wait for everyone else inside. Unfortunatly for Bob, Margaret looks like she was savagely beaten by the ugly fairies using their ugly sticks of doom, yet this does nothing to sway Bob away. He still desperately attempts to bump his ugly with her in the creepy basement by the satanic alter. Yes this is how the film opened and yes these people are just that moronic!

Anyway, here is a little back story. It seems Beth was the creepy girl in High School who has a bit of an odd family history. One of her ancestors was a witch who was persecuted and executed at the stake. Lilith, the witch, now uses Elizabeth to lure the ancestors of the town elders who had her killed, to the mansion where she will murder them in some of the worst ways I have ever seen set to film! And it's not like any of these people are people to worry or care about. Hell, one of them, Tony, has smoked himself retarded. Get this, they have a book called The Necronomicon, and it's a sort of "Manual of the Planes". Is it just me or does this sound alot like The Devonsville Terror meets Evil Dead with a dash of House on Haunted Hill thrown in? I guess if you don't want to blatantly rip-off a film, you throw people off by copying them all!

Well, what can be said about this film? How about it's CRAP! It did have some redeeming factors though. Namely the gore and the girls who played Jennifer and Janet. Both extremely HOTT, cute, & seXXXy and both on opposite ends of the spectrum. Too bad neither one of them could act to save their lives! What about the other characters though? Well none were care-worthy and I actually cheered when Lilith killed them! The little bastards deserved to die! I mean would you start to have sex with an ugly woman in a creepy basement by a satanic alter? I like the dead and the thought of creepy kink sex too but come on. I also have brains and standards! Or how about walking into that same creepy basement and finding your hostess holding the two severed heads of your friends while chanting some kind of satanic curses or something. Would you stick around to see what happens? Hell no! I'm leaving a little Wyle E. Coyote smoke statue of myself as I haul ass into the front yard screaming like a little boy who just found out Michael Jackson's horrid secret.

I have lost so much respect in Full Moon over the past few years! They have not put out anything worth while. Although I do hear good things about The Dead Hate the Living. Now to convince Hamster to see it. After all, he owes me after subjecting me to this piece of sheeot! Told you we should have got Cheerleader Camp!