Clash of the Titans
Titan Prod.
Rated PG118min

Perseus -Perseus is the son of Zeus. He is also a daddy's boy and if it wasn't for that, he would have been eaten by rabid blood llamas not long after birth. I may have been the only one wishing for that though. Anyway, he and his mother are sent from Argos and set adrift on the open sea basically in a coffin. He is saved and grows to be a "man" of legend and a peeping tom. It's amazing what this guy will do for a piece!

Andromeda -Princess of Jopa, riddler, tease, and perhaps the most stereo-typical of all womanly traits, her love is fleeting based on her "loves" looks. Little miss "Needs-to-be-center-of-attention" ends up being sacrificed to the Kraken and forcing Perseus to quest for a way to save her.

Ammon -Poor Burgess. I wonder if he knew what he was doing when he signed on for this film. Ammon is a poet/playwrite by day and an optimist who haunts a stage by night. He helps provide a lot of the background info for Perseus and the viewer. I just wish he would have gone a-la Grumpier Old Men and used a line like "Wanna Greece my piece" on Cassiopeia! Now that would have been hilarious!

Calibos -Son of Thetis and lord of the marsh lands. Calibos is punished by the Gods and transformed into a hideous creature forced to live in shadow, all for hunting Zues' flying horses. This, of course, forces Andromeda to promptly fall OUT of love with him and for him to put all of Jopa under a curse. By night he sends a huge flying vulture to Andromeda and flies her astral body to him where he riddles her. He is eventually slain by Perseus.

Cassiopeia -Queen of Jopa and the reason for all the trouble that befalls Andromeda. Had she kept her damn mouth shut, Perseus would still be a pussy, Andromeda would have him whipped, the Kraken would still be alive, and Thetis would still have a head on her statue.

Unsung Heroes -Bubo, Pegasus, & the Kraken. At least the Kraken was the whole reason I watched the film!

*Call no man happy who is not dead.

*Away from these acursed, Hell sent, swarms of blood-gutted marsh flys.

*The sands of time are running like quicksliver.

*I was partial to tragedy in my youth.

*What if courage and imagination were to becom every day mortal qualities?


2min: Let's go surfin' now, everybodies surfin' now, come'on surfari with me!
4min: It looks like this gull keeps having seizures in mid air!
12min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot
31min: So let me get this straight, women slept in perfect dress and make-up back during this time period?
39min: He is "The Horse Whisperer!"
40min: HEY! Shouldn't the water disappear?
43min: I hear monkeys in this Grecian swamp.
54min: Wouldn't that then become incest?
96min: That's just gotta suck!
98min: Is he considered happy or just dead now?
102min: Random Gratuitous Breast & Butt Shot

This was truly a film for the ages. It dealt with our hero Perseus and his quest for a piece of tail ... er ... his quest to save Andromeda, his fiance. Of course, she wouldn't be in the situation she's in if hadn't been for her mother downing Thetis' beauty in her own temple. But enough with that whore, let's discuss our "hero" for a second.

Perseus. The man, the myth, the legend, or as I like to call him, the panty waste. This man did nothing on his own. Daddy sent him a frickin helmet of invisibility, a reflective shield, a sword fit for a God, and even intervened when he collapsed from exhaustion. Even in major battles he let every one else rush in while he sat back and once they died, moved in for the kill. Oh yeah. A hero among heroes, slayer of the tired, master of dependency, and perhaps the first person to ever be pussy-whipped.

Now don't get me wrong, this film was great. I just hated the characters. The animation by Harryhausen was top notch and any film dealing with mythology is a welcome change in a world where our entertainment is dominated by super people, aliens, or cops seeking revenge outside the rules of law. Classic stories dealing more in tale rather than boobs and bombs is so much better! I'm sort of babbling so let me focus a bit here on the good points.

The story was good. It truly was a tale that has lasted for ages and will last for many more to come. It had some really great actors like Burgess Meredith and a mechanical owl. It had some great special effects by Ray Harryhausen and an absolutely gorgeous Kraken. Now these effects weren't exactly the top of the line for the time this film was made but taking into account who did it, it is probably the best work he has ever done!

Unfortunatly for this film it had more negative than positive but at least the story saved it a bit. I would love to see a remake with todays technology and better actors. At the same time though, I am thankful no one is doing it. I could just see them casting Vin Diesel as Perseus, some porn star as Andromeda and maybe Clint Eastwood as the great Ammon. It would most certainly have missles or some other stupid sheeot. Either way, this film is a classic amongst a select group and will always be so! I, for one, am proud to have this in my DVD collection!