Review for "The Dark"

The Dark

Lightshow
Communications

Rated R

87min

RATINGS

Hamster

Neo

Gary "Hunter" Henderson - Sort of the Lance Henrikson type. Knows what the Rat Creature is and has been hunting it for it's medical value ever since his first encounter.

Paul Buckner - This is a renegade FBI agent who has been hunting the Rat Creature ever since it killed his partner. He has a major chip on his shoulder. Tranqed into unconsciousness and possibly death.

Tracy Ventura - A waitress who has her ass saved by Hunter. Hooks up with and follows Hunter and as a thank you, gives him a little of her own fur bearing critter.

Jesse Donovan - This was th whole reason I wanted to see the film. This character was played by the sexy Neve Campbell, but like Tia Carrera, I'm sure she wants to take white-out to this section of her resumé. Anyway, she's a young cop who eventually helps Hunter and Tracy.

Ed - This was a kid from a rich family whose father made him get a job so he could learn the value of a dollar. So what's he do? He gets a job digging graves. It would have been more fun watching a sack full of rabid weasels try and fight their way out than having to watch this painful attempt at acting. Thankfully he was shot and wounded by Buckner.

Jake - Ed's boss and I guess caretaker of the cemetary where the Rat Creature now lives. He is the sort of father figure slash potential rapist for Ed. He has an extremely stupid sense of humor and he made me pray for his death! Again, Buckner comes to the rescue by shooting this idiot!

Gabe - This was Jesse's pseudo-boss and partner. He showed up to the cemetary with her and helped investigate the new found tunnels, right up until he was caught and eaten by the Rat Creature.

Arnold Goodman - Another officer who eventually shows up as a sort of back-up and to see what happened to Gabe. He too was eaten by our little furry friend, the Rat Creature.

Al "The Cook" - Useless and down right annoying! Shot and killed by the bikers who Hunter ended up saving Tracy from.

The Rat Creature - I guess it's called an elepharia or something like that. Has regenative blood and a hunger for human corpses. Eventually it was killed by that ass-clown Buckner.

*Gotta love the smell of death in the morning.

*Eat your own cooking and die a slow death!

*He looks a lot smarter than he is.

*Oh pardon me. Doctor Psycho is going for the Nobel Prize!

Shooting one motorcycle will make the entire line explode into one big fireball.
No matter how deep you go into an unknown tunnel, there is always an unusually strong light source right behind you.
Just when you think their dead, they pop up.
When dealing with prehistoric eaters of the dead, it's a good idea to have a glow stick!
Some people are just desperate to put out movies.
Having regenative blood may be helpful to those around you, but ultimately only makes you the target of obsessed hunter's insane quests.
Neve Campbell looks cute in a sheriff's uniform.

7min: I could be wrong but isn't that considered Police Brutality?
11min: Moron #1 makes himself known.
16min: Random act of violence against a glass door.
17min: Random act of violence against a line of motorcycles.
30min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot!
51min: This must be another planet since there was just two moons in that scene.
60min: Awwww. A person in a fuzzy suit! How cute! ... I wanna ride'em.
64min: Ok, that damn beeping is getting annoying.
68min: Where the hell is the underground light source coming from?
71min: Oh yeah, because yelling as you sneak up behind someone is a good idea.
74min: Hamster is starting to show signs of insanity.
76min: I suppose it makes sense. I mean why leave a dead guy buried in a feckin' cemetary?

"Awww how cute and fluffy."

I love movies where prehistoric creatures go on murderous rampages. But this creature did no real killing. I think he was a pacifist or something. Mostly he shuffled through the tunnels as people tried to kill it. It's a shame the writer couldn't come up with a better script. You'd think a story about a giant prehistoric rat would be more interesting, alas it wasn't. It was actually insanely boring.

Hunter is a scientist tracking the giant rodent. He wants to study it. Buckner is also tracking it, but he wants to kill it. They both track it to a small town where a local cop, a couple of grave diggers, and a waitress help Hunter find the rat.

I'm sorry people, but this movie was so boring I completely drew a blank on this review. I couldn't think of something to say about it other than "Rent a different movie!"

At first I was thinking "Oh yeah baby! Neve Campbell!" A pretty woman sure as hell didn't save this film about a giant prehistoric rat-like creature that lives under graveyards feasting on the recently dead. Oh but here's the twist, the creature's blood has regenative properties that allow it to live for extended periods of time and heal injuries. But with every twist, there's a catch. It doesn't heal itself very well and ends up being shot and killed by a renegade FBI agent.

Let's just say that I would much rather dress is a tutu and go to a gay bondage bar for the night than have to watch this thing again. I wanted so bad for this film to be good too. Unfortunately the Austrian Ass-Grab would have been more enjoyable. None of the characters demanded any feelings save for hatred, animosity, and feelings of anger and disappointment when they didn't meet their demises. For the most part the actors were so stiff that Ron Jeremy would have been jealous and perhaps worst of all, it had some of the worst editing I have ever seen! I mean hell, one scene had two moons for christ's sake. How the hell did that happen? This film really doesn't deserve to have much more said about it. Simply awful!