Review for "People Under the Stairs"

People Under the Stairs

Universal
City Studios

Rated R

102min

RATINGS

Hamster

Neo

Dexter (aka) FOOL - You have no idea just how fitting that nickname is! This child is a resident of the projects and the stereo-typical one at that! Finds out the secret of "Mommy" and "Daddy" but not before getting his two "employers" killed.

Leroy - This is one of the roles that Ving Rhames wishes he could just white-out off of his resume! Small time crook who gets the bright idea to rob the creepy house. Finally he's shot by "Daddy."

Daddy - This man is the poster child for birth control! He is a bit slow mentally and has a sick fetish for bondage outfits! Not only that, but he is also "Mommy's" brother. Jerry Jerry Jerry

Mommy - Another of the amazingly sick duo. Believe it or not, she's actually the "brains" of the bunch. Thankfully she wont be allowed to breed since she was killed in the basement by their pet cannibals.

Roach - The only child to escape the basement. Of course, rather than running for help, he stayed and decided to live in the walls! Someone should have bought this roach his own "motel." Ends up being shot and burned by "Daddy."

Alice - What a special child Alice is. She was the love interest of a roach and of a poor inner-city black child who tried to rob her. Believe me folks, I wish I was making this up! She survives but not before causing some serious hurt to "Mommy" & "Daddy".

Spenser - This was Leroy's partner in crime and the first of the dynamic idiots to bite the big one. Seems he was scared to death but alas, we the audience, are not worthy to know what happened to him.

Ruby - This was fools prostitute sister and care-taker of their mother. She was also Leroy's girlfriend which should tell you something. Treis to help save Fool from the creepy family, but doesn't die ... unfortunatly. She was the only character that didn't annoy hamster.

Prince - The only character that didn't annoy Neo. A simple, little misguided, Rottwieller who guarded the creepy house. Accidentally stabbed and killed by Daddy and his renegade Bayonette of doom. Oh how I hate that man even more!

*You're not the stupid kind of fool, just the ignorant.

*Speak when spoken to. That's what good girls do.

*And maybe the President is going to make me the Secretary of Pussy!

*Thought he was white before? You should see the sucka now!

*It's time to clean the house. Total spring cleaning.

*I don't want to see another cop or cookie for the rest of my life!

Feeding dogs human flesh will keep them happy and loyal.
The cops in L.A. are easily swayed by cookies and the insane rantings of the looney.
Shooting a Master lock can and will open it!
Old creepy houses have super happy fun slides hidden in the cabinets.
Poor inner-city kids will actually blow up money.
There is very little that can be learned from this movie.

6min: Must suck to be known as "Fool."
11min: uh oh. He said the "N" word.
12min: 12 minutes into this and the movie already ain't right.
20min: You would think these people could afford to keep their house clean.
25min: That's right, prove you're stupid.
30min: SUPPERHAPPYFUNSLIDE!!!
33min: Random act of violence against a dog.
34min: Go easy on the guy Fool, a feckin' dog is eating him!
40min: She don't get out much Fool.
42min: Bondage man to the rescue! That outfit defies logic or explaination. Men are not supposed to wear full body studded leather!
45min: "Finger lickin' good!"
46min: Did he just sniff the kids shorts? Why did he just sniff that kids shorts? Was he a scout master at some time?
47min: Random act of violence against an entire bathroom.
53min: YES!! Cannibals!!
62min: We can only hope.
63min: Random act of violence against a dog.
65min: What ever's out there girl, is better than what's inside!
66min: Nice height but no form. I give him a four.
67min: More disturbing revelations.
69min: Did he just pay to call 9-1-1 from a payphone? Isn't that supposed to be a free call or do you really have to pay to call the cops in L.A.?
72min: The strain of pretending to be normal must be terrible for her.
75min: I see they own the prayers on tape Time Life series.
77min: No I'm not O.K. stupid!
80min: YES!!! KILL HER! CHOKE HER!!!
81min: This guy is like the human Wyle E. Coyote.
84min: He's taken one too many blows to the head this movie!
88min: VENGEANCE FROM THE SKY!
94min: Damn I like this part.
96min: Don't be crazy? It's a little late for that.

This movie made me feel queesy. Kind of like I had a retarded baby elephant flopping around in my belly trying to get out. First we have Fool. Fool is a kid who's mom owes a ridiculous amount of money on their apartment. Too much to ever be able to pay it and has serious medical bills to boot. Fool's sister can't help because her only apparent skills are Tarot reading and whoring. So Fool starts running drugs. Soon enough, Leroy, convinces him to rob a house. A house that apparently hides gold coins.

Fool, Leroy and the token white boy, check out the place they are going to rob. The white boy goes in first and never comes back out. So Fool and Leroy go in to investigate. They soon discover the house's owners have magor issues. For one they own a man eating dog. They are hiding cannibals in the basement. They have a little girl held captive and a guy living in the walls. Then theres the fact they killed the poor white boy. How he died is not covered in the movie. And of course there's the fact the father is dressed like he's meeting Damian from "Black Roses" at their favorite gay S&M club. The drug dealer is shot dead but with the help of Alice and Roach, Fool manages to escape with some gold coins.

Fool returns home with enough money to pay for the rent and his mom's operation. Happy ending right? Well not exactly. Fool decides to be true to his name and return to the house of 1000 issues in order to rescue Alice. Now I don't mean to sound cowardly but I personally would have left the girl to rot. Upon his return Fool and Alice are chased all over the house. Fools sister shows up with an angry mob and in the end the basement is blown up, the cannibals set free, and a whole lot of money rains down from the air on the formally angry mob.

This movie was packed full of issues.

Ma and Pa were brother and sister.
Pa sniffed Fool's shorts.
Ma bathed her daughter in boiling hot water.
To punish the girl, Ma and Pa chain her up in the attic.
Ma and Pa would cut the eyes ears and/or tongue out of their stolen children whom they fed human flesh.

The writer was not loved as a child apparently. I think he needs a hug, or a violent beating at the hands of Jet Li and/or Zhang Ziyi. Yet to despite all the disturbing and freaky scenes in the monumental train wreck, the film managed to fail at being the least bit scarey. Sickening, maybe, scarey, not so much. If you're looking for a movie with a similar theme that was executed much better, watch "Flowers in the Attic". One thing is for damn sure, if I was that damn Fool kid, I'd let Alice know that as soon as she turns legal, she owes me some serious nookie.

I knew I hated Wes Craven for a reason. I have a hard time even thinking of one movie of his I liked. He seems to have fallen so far, yet not really reaching a good height either. "Last House on the Left" wasn't exactly all that either and that was dubbed as one of his all time best "horror".

Let's see, where to begin on this film. The plot is not subtle, in fact, it's very "in your face!" Normally a good thing, but for this movie, it didn't work out in the slightest. The tenants in the ghetto are being forced out by their land lord, only to have the buildings torn down and offices in their place. Is this really such a bad thing?

Dexter, aka Fool, is one of these tenants. He lives with his hooker sister, Ruby, and his sick mother. But because of their inability to pay their rent, they have been given their notice of eviction. So Fool hooks up with Ruby's boyfriend/pimp/dealer and does a bit of drug running on the side to earn some cash for the family. This doesn't work out as well as he expected thus forcing him to set out on robbing the land lord's house.

It seems Leroy and his friend Spenser robbed a liquer store a few days earlier and found a slip of paper that mentioned something about the owner of the store collecting rare, valuable gold coins. It seems the owner of the store is also their land lord. Before this gets too far, end it now! Kill me! I beg of you!

I wish I could say hilarity and hijinx ensued or even something scarey, but the only thing that frightend me in this film was the bondage man who sniffs cub scout shorts! Simply awful. This film had good make-up but that's it!

No acting ability could be seen for miles in any direction and the script was horrendous. The walls to the house seem to be made out of styrofoam, and the police are a prime example of how some places actually hire the mentally slow. I guess they're fun to watch or something because all movie police are like this and this film set the bar for them from then on!

I just wish I knew how these people got away with keeping so many children hostage, stock piling gold coins and cash, murder, and cannibalism. Oh wait, the police are offsprings of Barney Fie and Helen Keller! I just wish I too was blind, deaf, mute, and not in control of my mental faculties. Maybe then I would have enjoyed this film or at least the flashing lights and loud noises of my imagination.