Review for "Killah Priest" aka "Shaolin Monk"

Killah Priest
aka
Shaolin Monk

Xenon
Entertainment
&
Hong Kong
Connection

Rated ?

90min

RATINGS

Hamster

Neo

Chi Yeun - Doctor's assistant in a small village. Stalked by a Buddahist monk to start training in the ways of Shaolin.

Yin Chi - Girlfriend or sister of Chi Yeun. The jury is still out on this one. Very jealous and hates all priests and monks. Takes fingers of death from Hu.

Sao Tin Hu - Taoist priest who was runout of town only to return and kill off most of the population and sleep with the wives, all out of revenge. Killed by Chi Yeun.

Tin Shu - Teacher to Hu and mastering the art is the searing palm. Loses his hand to a renegade tree.

Doctor Chi - Village Doctor and I guess the father of Yin and Yeun. Gets blamed by the villagers when his medicine doesn't cure the illness. Eventually commits suicide out of shame.

*We don't need monks here. They're just parasites!

*You are evil! I hate you!

*Buddah Bless You.

*Chi Yeun is my man. You can't take him away!

* "Who the hero actually is is only a matter of perspective Neo!" - hamster

Buddahists are the Chinese equivalant to a Jehovah's Witness.
"Cure all" pill is just a name.
Purity comes from lots and lots of adultrous sex!
Taoist monks get all the best Punani.
Palm frawns can hold a man afloat and carry him across a river water fall.
Skills can greatly be improved upon when practicing in a hall of mirrors.

3min: "H-S-I"? What the hell does that spell?
5min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot
9min: What the hell was so funny?
12min: These are some confusing scene changes!
13min: This speech ... too much ... like .. William Shatner ...
15min: WOW! I guess he showed them!
21min: Isn't it against Buddahist nature to fight with-out reason?
24min: "I got disco fever!"
28min: Meow, saucer of milk table 2!
29min: I would have turned the hose on this annoying priest already.
32min: ARGH! That was way too much of a close up on his funky man-nipple
36min: Did he just say "De Plane! De Plane!"?
41min: Don't blame yourself. Let us blame you!
44min: Smack yo bitch up!
45min: These scene changes are so abrupt and confusing. My brain hurts!
51min: Weebles wobble but they don't fall down!
59min: Faith he has, balance not so much.
62min: Yes, he was very much able to hurt their fists with his body.
69min: shhhhhh You're scarring the fish!
70min: She had him buried already?
72min: Hey!! Wasn't that Iron Chef Japan?
76min: Go blue ranger, go!
90min: 'Tis but a flesh wound.
91min: NO CREDITS???

Buddah bless you, for I am about to open a can whoop ass on you!

I would love to review this movie but I didn't understand it. The movie had bad editing, a confusing story, abrupt scene changes, INCREDIBLY annoying characters, excessive use of the phrase "Buddah bless you." and no credits.

The plot was as follows, a Buddahist monk comes to a small town to convert poor Chi Yeun. Why him? I haven't a feckin' clue! They never tell you in the movie, at least I don't think they do. The movie was so confusing and convoluted, I may have missed that part all together. Well anyway, Yeun doesn't want to be converted, and Yin doesn't want him to convert. Unfortunatly the monk becomes a stalker following Yeun around like a desperate ex-lover.

Meanwhile our hero, a Tao priest, poisons the town, (Yes! Kill all these idiots please!) and steals everyones wives. (Good idea. kill everyone but the hot women. I may convert to Tao) Naturally he and that annoying Buddahist get into a heated religious debate that resembles a cat fight between two girls in love with the same guy.

Yin Chi doesn't like the Buddahist (I'm with you babe), and takes every opportunity to beat him up and even try to kill him. Unfortunatly she fails.

Let me get this straight. The Buddahist monk has made my list of all time annoying characters along with Jar Jar Binks from "The Phantom Menace" and Jimmy Quinn from "Q". He reminds me of one of those creepy freaks who sits next to you on the busm staring serenely into space while smiling mindlessly, pausing only to try and covert you to their religion of choice. This guy is extremely pushy trying to turn everyone around into a Baddahist.

Chi Yin, Yeun Chi, and the Buddahist monk train to defeat the Tao priest and his teacher. This leads to the climactic twenty minute battle in which our poor hero, the Tao priest, is killed when Chin Yee and Yung Cheek double team him. Lousy cheating pricks!

I wish I knew where to start with this review. I suppose I should start with an apology. The Characters may not be spelled right. Ihad no credits to go on and IMDb only has the director listed for this film. I guess the Wu Tang Collection isn't a very popular one. Anyway, I did the best I could with the little knowledge I have from Anime and Hooked on Phonics. I am not even sure we at Neohamster Productions even understood the plot.

Speaking of plot, here is what I gathered from this one. There is a Baddahist monk searching for a guy named Chi Yeun, Lord knows why but he is. Chi Yeun is a doctor's assistant in a small asian village suffering from a drought. The Buddahist monk stops and gets a drink of water while on his quest and ends up being saved by a girl, Yin Chi. He asks her if she has ever heard of Yeun to which jealousy instantly takes her over and she directs him 3 days journeyin the other direction. Retract the claws lady. I don't think the monk is your man's type. Well she runs back to the village all giddy like a school girl and tells Yeun all about her trickery.

At this time a Taoist priest shows up in town to pray for rain and help them bring ina good crop for the dying village. The Doctor's all hate the priest and treat him as if he was L. Ron Hubbard himself. Of course this turns violent and leads to a Kung-Fu showdown between the priests henchmen, Yin, and Yeun. After the henchmen kick the crap out of two heros, the brother/sister or lover duo, the Taoist priest pleads that he is only there to help, and help he does. With in a few days it rains but it also brings a plague with the new found showers. The villagers run to Doctor Chi sr. and beg for help. When his "Cure All" pills don't work, they quickly blame him for the plague which leads to his committing suicide later in the film. I have to ask, was the whole family in on this medical business? Besides This now sets up the vengeance angle as Yin and Yeun now seek revenge.

By now the Buddahist monk has found his way into town andto Yeun. It seems he wants to train him the art of the Shaolin animal styles. This all leads to a big battle between Yin, Yeun, the priests henchman, the Buddahist, the Taoist, and his master. In this battle we find out that the Taoist is actually some guy named Sao Tin Hu who was run out of town a few years earlier. We also find out that he was theone who poisoned the town all out of revenge for what the town did to him.

*sigh*
Now I like the 60's to present versions of the Kung-Fu films. Hell, I grew up watching some of the best Wire-Fu I have ever seen. I even followed the journeys of "Kung-Fu" and such, but this little nugget of sucktitude escapes me. Not only is it hard to follow and put together by someone who must have some sort of mental illness, but the story is weaker than Grandma's panty elastic! I did like the character Tin Shu, played by Phillip Ko though, and his searing palm technique was awesome. Well between all this and a flying Buddahist slipper that kicks everyone's ass, this film rates very low on my list of Kung-Fu favorites. I'm sure once the seizures stop and I regain speech I will find one a lot worse but for now, this one reigns supreme!