JACK-O
© 1995	Triboro Entertainment
Rated R	90min
RATINGS
Hamster	Neo

Sean Kelly - An annoying little boy who obviously needs acting lessons before hitting film again. He seems to be a decendant of someone who defeated Jack-O before and now, Sean is the only one who can defeat him for good.

Vivian Mackey - Decendant of the Warlock who summoned Jack-O originally. Came to Oakmoor Crossing to help little Sean. Takes a scythe to the gut as a thank you!

David Kelly - Seans father. Doesn't play much of a role but then again, none of the roles in this film are worth very much to start with!

Linda Kelly - My lord this woman had some buggy eyes. She's Sean's mother and boy does she have an attitude problem.

Caroline Miller - Sean's babysitter played by Linnea Quigley. Hot, sexy, dumb as dirt, and lover of tight jeans. By far my favorite character in the whole crapfest!

Julie Miller - Why don't the idiots ever die? This is Caroline's slutty sister who has as much responsibility as Bill Clinton teaching an all girls volleyball squad!

Brett, Paul, & Shannon - Clawed, clawed, and stuck by a scythe! Oh thank heaven for a few less stereo-typical examples of trailer park trash!

Mr. & Mrs. Watson - Mr. Watson took a scythe strike and Mrs. Watson fell on a toaster. Serves them all right, the commie bastards.

Jim - Julies "biker" boyfriend. Slaps her and gets punished by losing his head to Jack-O. At least he sees some boobage first!

Jack-O - I actually felt bad for this guy! Save the crappy plastic looking pumpkin for a head and the inability to hold a scythe right, he was just misunderstood. Eventually killed by a wooden cross. Poor villain. You will be missed!

*Ever do it with a dead guy?
I wouldn't like it. You'd just lay there!

*I like little boys.

*-sigh- This is so white bread!

*The voices of the dead coven called out to me from the Earth

• There aren't any dead in the suburbs.
• Even if you own the grocery store, you still can't afford a real meal, a home with-out wheels, a nice car, or cable.
• A toaster can fry the flesh right from your body!
• A simple hanging sheet can make any garage virtually sound proof.
• When running from a crazed monster bent on killing you, it's still to stop and take a breather.
• Halloween is a holiday established by liberals to feed the poor and take yet more money from hard working conservatives.

1min: No you freak, I don't want to hear your story!
3min: Ummm, I don't think they had that kind of street light in the 1800's.
5min: Random act of violence against a stump.
7min: Linnea Quigley? Oh thank the Gods, There's hope!!
8min: John Caradine? Nevermind. -sigh-
11min: Yeah, Sean really hurt that other kids fists with his face! Great work Seany-boy.
12min: Wait, wasn't it just daylight? Oh, now its Night. Wait, no, now it's day, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON??
13min: I hate feckin' dream sequences!
17min: Ah yes, the hicks idea of a good time. A grave yard, the trailer park whore, and a six-pack!
20min: Dr. Cadaver's Monster Movie Madness looks a lot better than this junk we're watching now!
21min: ARGHHH! Her eyes are just freaking me out. They're just poping right out of her head, I swear!
25min: Maybe YOUR mom should have had you spayed you fascist bitch!
28min: Fake looking lightening. Jeez, couldn't you have at least found some stock footage or something?
29min: Look people, I don't want to bear witness to Sean's first nocturnal well ... you know, ok?
31min: Oh wow. A burning cross in Florida. How original!
32min: That was the sound of your acting coach killing himself from shame and dishonor!
35min: There was a bit of Caroline's personal life we just didn't need to know!
36min: Forida has helmet laws you neglegent mother!
43min: It's halloween you bastard. Couldn't you shell out $5 for a bag of candy?
44min: Justice is served in the form of flying TeePee.
45min: Don't tell me he is actually charging $1 for that lame ass haunted "house"?
46min: You know your film is a bomb when the movie with-in a movie actually sounds better.
49min: Thank God his TV went dead!
50min: YES! YES! NOW KILL HER TOO!
52min: ahhhhhh. Sometimes movies do give you what you want!
55min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot.
56min: Looks like Dracula had a stroke.
59min: Random act of violence against a children's room.
85min: Joe Blasco? Well that explains the incredibly lame make-up!
89min: Incredibly lame special effects too!

"No this is not a film on Michael Jackson's Biography."

Well, a long time ago a bunch of goobers got together and killed some Wizard guy. Naturally wizard guy seeks revenge from beyond the grave by sending a pumpkin demon to avenge him. (If this sounds familiar, it's because it has been done before in countless other films) One of the goobers Jack-O is sent to kill manages to defeat him and buries him for what he hoped was eternity. He would have been disappointed had he not died in the process of trapping Jack-O

Many years later three drunken hicks awaken the pumpkin demon, who begins killing off the slow and stupid. Jack-O is an incredible bully as he seemed bent on killing defenseless children and inbred hicks with fewer braincells than the age of that otherJack-O's latest boy-toy.

Meanwhile the wizards decendant shows up to help the target of Jack-O's murderous rampage, the decendant of the goober who imprisoned him. So, Jack-O captures the boy and begins to bury him alive. But the wizard's decendant and the boy's parents show up to save the day.

This movie is incredibly lame. Instead of good make-up work, a solid script, and people who can act, we get the most annoying series of characters ever to parade through a single film. I especially prayed for the death of the boy's parents. ext to Jimmy from Q, I have never hated 2 characters more. Alas, my prayers went unanswered. The dad is a feckin' goofball, I kept wanting someone to beat the stupid out of him. The mom's eyes kept bugging out of her head. I thought her face was going to exlode from low pressure or something.

Do not watch this film. It just isn't the least bit entertaining. It's slightly more enjoyable than a fire ant but that's the nicest thing I can say about it!

That's what I thought. I just wish I knew all this before I popped it into my VCR and setting back in The Dungeon to watch this monstrosity.

We start the film with a retarded fat guy telling our "hero" Sean about the history of Oakmoor Crossing and Jack-O. He informs Sean and the audience about how a warlock, or wizard, or something was caught and killed by the towns people in the 1800's. Of course the warlock cursed the town and summoned a demon named Jack-O to seek revenge for his death by killing everyone involved. Now, somehow, Jack-O was defeated and buried by one of Sean's ancestors. I guess we, the audience, weren't worthy enough to see that, or know how it was done.

Back in the present day a new woman comes to town and word quickly spreads through-out the children that she is a .... dum dum dum dum .... A Witch! Ok, who didn't see that coming?<
Who asked you Helen Keller?
Anyway, after she is introduced to us by saving Sean's wussy ass from some kid kicking it, she escorts him home and suddenly makes herself at home in Sean's house. Practically moving in, she makes it known what her history and purpose is in town. Now she also attaches herself to Sean's parents and from that moment on, we never seem them without her. I'm telling you, I would have kicked her ass right out of my house. It tends to get annoying after a while.

Well, to make a long review short, this slut and her trailer park pimp daddies end up raising Jack-O from his "tomb" and thus releasing him onto an unsuspecting, and frankly, uncaring, world to exact his revenge and murder. Jack-O goes on a rather lame killing spree, all the while searching for the one little boy with nasty dreams and a pession for death, who can stop him forever.

If this film at least something it might have been good. But when all you have is Linnea, and she doesn't even get naked, you don't have much! I wouldn't recommend this film to a blind old lady! I highly suggest not watching it, but if you do, don't do it more than once!