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| Ghoulies 4 | ||
| 1993 | Cintel Films | |
| Rated R | 84min | |
| RATINGS | ||
| Neo | ||
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Alexandra - Next on Jerry Springer, "Psychotic escaped Satan worshiping dominatrix mental patients!" Or as we like to call them, This chick. Remember Jonathan Graves? The guy from the first film? Well this turns out to be an ex of his who worships the ark lord, and the little guys. Although cute, one has to wonder why Jon left her for the stump dumb fugo he was with in the first one, Alexandra has some serious issues she needs sorting out. She will have plenty of time to do so since she is sent to Hell.
Jonathan Graves - **groan** Yeah, he's back! Well not much has changed since the first one other than he is still a loser and now he works for the LAPD. Oh, and now he is narcoleptic. He spends like 2 thirds of this film asleep. Not that I am comlaining. In fact, it was downright cool to not have to listen to him all the time.
Scott Mancuso - This poor sap is Jon's partner. One has to ask how he became a member of the LAPD since he is so weak willed and possibly has the weakest stomach of anyone on the west coast. Just when he thought he was free from this suckfest after being dragged into the netherworld, Jon drags him back and force him to participate in the film even more. Poor guy!
Kate - This is yet another ex of Jon's and yet another who is 20 times better than the thing he ended up with in the first! Get this, she is also his boss! Never ever dip your wick in the company ink ... unless she is hot! This wonder of nature is not only beautiful, but she's a fighter and saves Jon on more than one occassion! Maybe she isn't as cool as I thought.
Jeanine Michaels - What is it with Jon and all these women?? Do they just gravitate towards nerds? This one is a hooker and Jon's present girl. Although a smokin' bod, this one is still majorly lacking in the facial beauty department.
Monica - Museum curator who is bootlegging artifacts out the back. I tell you what, I would have bought King Tut's penis from this Hott as hell redhead if she wanted me to buy it! Her legs were long enough to wrap around twice too. Just too bad she was controlled by Satan and blown up in her car. Just be sure to have a towel handy to take care of the drool once she comes on screen!
*Yo man, I don't think we're in OZ anymore.
*Attention Heymart shoppers, clean up aisle 4!
*Your not allowed to touch my jewels anymore kate!
*I'm sears, he's roebuck. Heard of us?
*Ease up Dirty Harriet.
*Lights out bingo.
*Girlfriends can be trouble, but ex girlfriends can be Hell.
*So long folks. Look for us in the sequel, Ghoulies IV part 2.
3min: Not particularly bright is she?
4min: It took them 4 films but they finally got midgets to play the Ghoulies.
9min: Wait a frickin' second. He didn't reload, he just sort of waved his hand over the gun.
12min: Ladies and gentlemen, I present the worst characters in any of the "G" films to date!
15min: I like her now!
17min: heeheehee. The box is addressed to Miskatonic.
18min: OH CRAP!!! IT'S JONATHAN GRAVES!!
23min: He just blew through a red light.
29min: So the pendent controls the bathroom lights?
32min: The first film sucked enough. I don't need to see parts of it again!
50min: Not a very controling captain, is she?
68min: WHOA! She's hot!
78min: What the heck are they doing there? Shouldn't they be in Hell?
Just when you think you've seen the last of Jonathan Graves and the freakish ghoulies, BAM, they slap you upside the head with yet another installment of this series. Will this suckfest ever end or will it continue and slowly chip away at your will to live with each new film?I'll give you a hint, I had to be talked down from the Sunbank building here in beautiful downtown Orlando.
Jonathan is back with a vengeance and this time, forget everything you know from the 1st through 3rd. According to the 4th film, the main bad guy is named Faust and is actually an incarnation of Jonathan's evil side brought forth by a latex wearing dominatrix named Alexandra. The only thing needed to bring in Faust and send Jonathan to Hell in his place is a human sacrifice and some magical stone that Jonathan wears around his neck. Needless to say, I was willing to just yank the jewel and kill myself if it would have helped! Unfortunatly Jonathan gets help from the ghoulies this time around. These little bastards should just mind their own damn business!
They aren't the only ones to blme though. The police captain slash ex girlfriend of Jon's is also to blame!
Now this film did have a good thing going for it. It's the last one I had to see. Everything else though ... well ... it pretty much sucked ass! I think worst of all, the acting is what made me claw my way to the top of the building and set for jumping. Especially that of Peter Liapis as he reprises his role as Mr Graves. And here I thought Michael Moriarty was bad! Then again, what do you expect of director Jim Wynorski, self proclaimed "King of Cult Horror?" I wonder what the likes of Fulci, Romero, Hooper, or Argento would have to say about that statement.
This was just another piss-poor attemt at an already sucky and unsalvagable series. I would much rather slide down the infamous batpole, than watch anymore films starring Liapis, or directed by Wynorski, or dealing with creatures called ghoulies! Bring on Leo and the "Critters!"
As if the acting wasn't bad enough, the writing was terrible! Who the hell pened the line "I'm sears, he's roebuck?" O.K. the writer isn't totally at fault here. It took someone to give the go ahead. Worst of all, I mean besides the fact this series went for four films, worse than the fact the Graves is back, and worse than the fact that I had to sit through all 4 of these pieces of sheeot, is the fact that it took someone like me to buy the tape and watch it over and over to make a review for you fine folks! It will only go to encourage them more. I feel so guilty. I guess I better start heading back to the Sunbank building!