Review for "Elves"

Elves

Š 1989

Fitzgerald Film Corp.
&
Elves Prod. Ltd.

Rated NR

89min

RATINGS

Hamster

Neo

Kirsten - The little gem of untapped intellect is a waitress at a snack bar in a department store. Her and her little friends are responsible for reanimating the little "elf" while out "bemoaning" the spirit of Christmas. Did I also mention she's the product of incest? Yeah folks, what a way to start off the list, I know.

Mike "Santa" McGavin - I used to watch this guy years ago in a little show called "Grizzly Adams". Little did I know he would fall so far! Well, he is the new store Santa (after the last one had his nads torn off) and he is the sort-of "hero." He really should have never left the mountain!

Grampa aka "Dad" - A Nazi back in WWII, this man actually druged his daughter into unconsciousness and got her knocked up just to produce the master race. As if that's not enough, he also sells out his grandaughter/daughter. Yeah, thankfully he was removed for existence by a few Nazis.

Mother - Kirsten's mother is a real beeotch!! Not to mention an animal hater. I guess I couldn't blame her after hearing her history but she was still eliminated after being electrocuted!! I must say though, she had a GORGEOUS body for an older woman!!

Willy - This is Kirsten's perverted younger brother. Has a sort of obsession with seeing his sister naked. Guess it runs in the family. This example of why birthcontrol is a good thing was attacked and scratched by the "elf."

Amy - By far the best looking girl from the group. She also seems to not mind modeling her nighties in the middle of department stores. Unfortunately she was shot in the head by Nazis. You know, I knew I hated them for a reason!

Brooke - The third girl in the little trio. She suffers from a dengenerative brain disease called "Valleygirlus-stupidicus."This has left her with only two remaining braincells and believe me, it is way to obvious in this film! This moron was sliced and stabbed by the "elf."

Hugh Reed - The department store manager. Thinks he's the frickin' president of the company with the way he talks to his employees. I wanted something horrible to happen to this eedjit but once again, I would have got more satisfaction from betting on cock fights with renegade ferrets shoved down my pants!

Dr. Gene Scott Fitzpatrick - This man was a little too hyped up on caffiene. He also helped to show Mike how elves are even talked about in the Bible. Of course, this idiot feels he knows more than God and still doesn't get whacked yet the hot babes are sliced, diced, and even frickin' shot! Is there no justice?

Professor O'Connor - Watch out folks, this guy isa member of neighborhood watch! He does know a crapload about the Nazi experiments featuring elves and helps to shed a little light on the situation for Mike. He's also a bit obsessed with pronounciaion.

Elf - This thing was genetically engineered by the Nazis and probably given the largest labido I have ever seen. He far surpasses even me. This little Army of One needed some guidance though. He killed anything he came across. Finally he was killed when Kirsten stabbed some kind of a magical crystal into the ground where he was ressurrected.

*We're girls remember? We're the master race!

*Are you hurt? Good.

*I'm not a pervert. I just like seeing naked women.

*Yeah and you have big f+ckin' tits and I'm gonna tell everyone I saw them!

*It was a f+ckin' little ninja troll!

*Oral. Santa said Oral!

*When there's no more room in hell, the elves will walk the Earth!

*Life is long, life is hard. Kevin's is think and Dave's is a yard.

*He can't arrest us, he's Santa.

*The man in the study is your grandfather ... and your father.

Elves need glasses!
Santa has some serious issues.
Santa's idea of "snow" is totslly different from what you would think.
Police don't seem to mind people trampling all over the crime scene.
Elves like to sign their murderous rampages.
Noah didn't only save animals. He had elves on board as well.
If you beat a Nazi hard enough, they will actually foam at the mouth and die.
Bemoan actually means "I didn't get any good presents last year!"
If you drug your daughter and bump uglies with her, do what you do with farts and blame it on the dog!

4min: I hate these damn POV shots!
7min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot
8min: I hate POV shots! 9min: YES! YES! YES! No eat him!!
13min: Santa's a pervert!
14min: Random act of violence against a cat!
16min: Random act of violence against a Santa
18min: Hitting a new low, Mike was evicted from his trailer.
19min: Not even a scratch? What is she, frickin' Weapon X?
23min: LMFAO! There's a triangle outline for his nads!
24min: He has reindeer? Talk about throwing yourself into the part!
27min: I find it very hard to believe Dave has a three foot penis!
29min: Talk about ironic. Section 666 is occult sciences.
31min: I'm so glad I got to see an argument between two mentally challenged blondes.
36min: She's as slutty as she is stupid as she is ugly.
37min: Ah yes. A shotgun is a very good gift idea for mom.
50min: This is seriously starting to piss me off. Trolls look nothing like elves. Why do these idiots keep calling it a troll?
53min: This man needs to lay off the caffiene!
58min: EwWwWwWwWwWwWwWw I feel so feckin' dirty now. I never needed a shower after watching a movie before! This is SICK!!!
62min: You wouldn't hurt your daughter? You drugged her into unconsciousness and bumped uglies with her!
63min: Wait, if Kirsten was the result of her grandfather knockin' boots with his daughter, than where did little Willy come from?
64min: Random act of violence against a car!
66min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot
78min: I could almost swear I can hear Marvin Gaye right now!
84min: Does this mean he was able to complete his mission? I don't get this ending.

The elves or should I say elf (singular) looks like a rotting gremlin. It was fake looking and had no moving parts. It was one hell of an ugly looking puppet to be sure. The movie doesn't tell us exactly where elves came from. They were either created by God or the Nazis. It is clear the writer was into some heavy drugs and was fecking ignorant. Here's some of the problems with the script.

ONE - The Nazis believed that elves were the master race.
TWO - "When there is no more room in hell, the elves will walk the Earth." That was a rip-off from the tagline for Romero's Dawn of the Dead.
THREE - apparently God told Noah to let elves on the ark. Or so the professor claims despite no evidence to that fact or even a reasonable explaination to why he believes this.
FOUR - What exactly makes the "Not-so-cute-dumb-as-a-wooden-plank" star of this film the perfect mate for the elf? Apparently the fact that shes the product of her father/grandfather's genes. But this also brings up the question of why is he so frickin' special?
FIVE - The elf that's supposed to be the master race kills people at random, including the Nazis there trying to help him, and is so easily distracted that he stops to eat a bug when he's supposed to be molesting his dream girl.
SIX - Why didn't the Nazis shoot Girzzly Adams?

No doubt Nazis were the bad people but the feckin writer had no idea why they were so bad. Actually, I doubt this dumb ass could find Germany on a map or what German has to do with Nazis. There is no doubt in my mind that the writer was infact that stupid!

This film isn't that bad! It's also a damn far cry from good since I would rather suck on a tail pipe than watch it again, but it was levels above such things as "Curse of the Screaming Dead" or even "Night of Bloody Horror!" This one was just dumb. Things like Kirsten's grandfather also being her father and other incestuous references like her brother, Willy, wanting to see her naked because she "has f'n teetas." First of all, that family needs help with the issues that plague it but Willy also needs glasses. It is painfully obvious this kid has eye trouble because he feels his sister has monster jugs when in fact, she's probably a b-cup at most! Before I go too deep into the deravity that is this Jerry Springer episode turned movie, let me start at the beginning.

Now the back of the box says, and I quote ...
An innocent romp in the woods turns into a hellish nightmare when three young girl accidentally awaken an army of evil elves -- genetically created by a neo-Nazi mad scientist in World War II.
These hideous creatures don't work for Santa ... they have a special mission: To mate with a virgin and take over the world as a pint sized master race!
DAN HAGGERTY ("Grizzly Adams") stars as Mike McGavin, a department store Santa who must expose this unholy force and stop the gruesome terror before the elves destroy Christmas." ŠA.I.P. Home Video (800)456-A.I.P.1

Let's take a second and break this down and I will show you just how misleading this film was.

"An innocent romp in the woods turns into a hellish nightmare"

Ok, first off, it was no 'innocent romp'. They were going into the woods to cast a spell to denounce Christmas. And where was the 'hellish nightmare'? Was it when Kirsten cut her hand on some broken glass or was it when she had to try and define "bemoan" to the "telethon waiting to happen" friend of hers?

"When 3 young girls accidentally awaken an army of evil elves"

Ummmmm, they weren't exactly 'young' and there was only one damn elf. A far cry from an 'army' if you ask me. If the Germans thought that only 1 person made an army, it's no wonder they lost!

"Genetically created by a neo-Nazi mad scientist during World War II"

According to the movie, God created the elves and Noah saved them on the Ark. Also does this guy even know the definition of a 'neo-Nazi'? I honestly doubt it from reading that line.

"these hideous creatures don't work for Santa"

Again, there was only one creature. One, not many!

"They have a special mission: To mate with a virgin and take over the world as a pint sized master race!"

How many times must I emphasize there was only ONE! Plus, that is a far cry from a 'mission!' It's more like a privalage! Now the other part of the sentence that makes no sense is how I thought the Germans felt they were the master race and yet this film wants you to believe that they really thought elves were the master race. Now I am reading Mein Kampf right now and believe me, Hitler was not THAT screwed up!

"Dan Haggerty stars as Mike McGavin, a department store Santa"

Let's not pump up the position more than it actually is. Plus, he is far from being a star.

"who must expose this unholy force and stop the gruesome terror before the elves destroy Christmas."

Why? Why must he do this and how is stopping sexual relations between a munchkin and a stump dumb bimbo going to save Christmas? How is the mating habits of these two people going to destroy Christmas?Once again though, IT WAS ONLY ONE FECKING ELF! ELF, NOT ELVES YOU FECKIN EEDJITS!!!

So you can see how screwed up it was once this film got underway and Ifound out just how misleading the synopsis was. It felt like "Night of Bloody Horror" all over again.I do feel good that hamster bought this for me though and I didn't have to spend a damn dime on it. You know what though, I wouldn't have minded paying for it. It was a hell of a lot of fun and I laughed my ass off at just how stupid some the things were. I knew it was going to be bad so I didn't get my hopes up. Thankfully so after it was finally over!

Well anyway, this film starts with these 3 bimbos going into the forest to do their little witchy thing and denounce Christmas. Of course one starts the incantation and is immediately interrupted by one of the sidekick Jerry's Kids to find out what "Bemoan" means. ARGH! This was worse than watching "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogalo!" So, Brooke, Amy, and Kirsten continue on their quest down the yellow brick road in a desperate search for a brain they could share and we find out that Kirsten's grandfather was a Nazi who was involved in an experiment to create the perfect race. Of course this experiment consisted of his drugging of his daughter and impregnating her so that the offspring of that magical union could mate with an elf and bring forth the master race to rule the world, or destroy it since they said it could also spring forth the anti-Christ. Kind of involved and some what "springerish" but out of this plot came the most hilarious pseudo-horror I have ever seen!

Amy was HOTT, the elf was lame, Willy was an idiot, and it had my childhood hero Grizzly Adams. I highly recommend this film for those who enjoy killing their braincells. If you can even remember your name and still control your drool and bladder by the time the credits roll, you wont be disappointed!