1997Full Moon
Rated R80min

Winston Berber (aka Mr. Jamieson) - Mad scientist who developes a plan to steal the original manuscripts to the major literary monsters and bring them to life to exact revenge for him on all those who shunned him. Dragged into a vortex by a large nordic woman!

Anna Quarrels - Secretary in the rare book archive of a library. Not very intelligent and thus duped by the fat sweaty guy who stole the manuscripts. Eventually hires a detective out of the back of a video store to find the books. A rare testament to why people should be allowed to eat there young!

David Raleigh - Detective/Video store owner/Dealer in rare and hard to find cuts of the worst horror ever listed on screen. Helped plug MANY of Full Moon's movies in that scene!

Miss. Christina - Lesbian librarian. Don't get too excited. We see no action of this but she does get a bit freaky with a book! Turned into one ugly nordic warrior and sucked into another realm.

Mini-Monsters - Take the worst possible concept of this, multiply it by infinity, and add Full Moon, and you have these characters. They consist of a Mini-Dracula, Mini-Mummy, Mini-Frankenstein, and a Mini-Wolfman. All of which get sucked back to their own realms.

* We nightmares made flesh will walk the night!

*Rest, while the hated sun shines, my companions. Soon it will be our time again!

*Thank God I'm Catholic!

*What are you going to do? Go around for all of eternity with a step stoll so you can bite people on the neck?

The best cheap detectives can be found in the backrooms of the worst video stores!

Never pick on the fat, sweaty, nerdy guy! He may just grow up to animated mini-monsters to rule the rule!

Even midget monsters shamble faster than a woman can run!

Lesbians are actually Valkeryes!

Even the mentally challenged can build machines that can do the impossible

2min: A library that doesn't want to lend books out?
10min: Yes he stole it stupid!
11min: This character hits a little too close to home!
15min: A science lesson from David? Mr. Wizard he is NOT!
22min: An insane librarian brandishing scissors as a weapon, why am I so turned on right now?
24min: I see the Darth Vader telescoping lightsabre has many different uses!
29min: Ok, how the hell did he know where she was?
31min: These monsters are not the least bit scarey! I have scarier stuff between my toes!
34min: I think this script was assembled from the dead!
39min: Christina's masturbating with a book? Remember to watch those bodily oils there Missy!
41min: This is more comical than frightening!
43min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot
44min: To answer your question Christina, You're being fondled by midgets!, DUH!
48min: Great speech! Now grow the balls to actually say it to her you WUSSY
52min: Shambling midgets sure are fast!
53min: I hope she gets cut again!
63min: Legends can't exactly act either!
65min: I almost wish for that "sweet death" right now!

You know how a slightly chubby girl can still be cute if she has a pretty face and a fun personality? Well this film was neither cute nor fun! It was just plain ugly! The premise is so stupid it defys comment, but I'll give it a try!

Winston Berber, the "mad scientist", kicks off this film stealing the orginal copy of Mary Shelly's Frankenstein. The cute librarian then hires David, a private detective who is also a video store clerk, to find the missing masterpiece. She chose him because he was cheap. Watch out Miss Quarrels, you get what you pay for!

David does a predictably crappy job, but that's OK, because Dr. Berber comes back to steal the original Bram Stoker's Dracula next! Wasn't he the least bit worried he'd get caught? Which, in fact, he was! Well, he is able to steal the book anyway and kidnap Quarrels as well! Now people, he needs a naked virgin between the ages of 25-30 as a sacrifice to ensure his foul plan works. You would think he would have searched for the appropriate sacrifice ahead of time instead of grabbing the first girl that comes around!

Why grab the girl and the books, you say? Well, Berber is planning to use a machine he invented to bring classic monsters out of the novels and use them to get revenge on everyone who has ever slighted him! Apparently a human sacrifice is needed as well. God what an idiotic plan! David shows up to rescue Anna and interupt the procedure. How did he even know where to find her? There's a lame explosion and since the movie was only around half over, Berber survived.

His machine ended up creating the monsters anyway, but since the procedure was unfinished, the monsters came out unfinished ... and midgets! Poor Frankenstein's monster was probably the most absurd looking thing! Well, the monsters want to become full sized, so Berber sends them off to find the blonde librarian from the original procedure. The pint size mini-monsters kidnap Quarrel's lesbian boss by mistake! The monsters bring her back, the wolfman feels her up, and even though it's the wrong girl, they sarifice her anyway.

Meanwhile, Quarrel refuse to pay David, the ungrateful bitch. Well anyway, they finally kidnap the right girl, Berber gets sucked into a paralell dimension, and the monsters are stirred by a passionate speech by Quarrels and agree to return to their own books.

This is by far the stupidest plot I have ever heard of. I have seen worse movies, but none with such a rampant moronic script! The monsters looked awful, I mean really truely bad, and the villian was painfully annoying.

A Vampire, a Mummy, a Frankenstein Monster, and even a Werewolf mixed with a lesbian librarian, a stuck up blonde, a video store clerk who doubles as a private detective. I suppose that I got the good stuff out of the way, it's time for the bad news. Nothing is what it seems! All the monsters are midgets, the lesbian isn't that cute, the blonde is stumb dumb, and the video store detective is an incompetant moron who Forest Gumped his was through the whole investigation, and I suspect through life, might I add!

Who ever the idiot was who thought of this monstrosity should be dragged out into the streets of Hollywood and shot like a rabid dog as an example to the other potential film makers. I used to have such respect for Full Moon during the Subspecies and Puppet Master days but with the emergence of such films as Shrieker, The Creeps, and Retro-Puppet Master, Isee that nothing good lasts forever!

This film, on the other hand, seemed to run on and on with an endless moronic plot that seemed to make me dumber as each second passed. There really should have been a surgeon general warning on this film's box.

WARNING:Watching of this film may cause birth defects, high blood pressure, and unreversable brain damage! If you must watch, than please exercise extreme caution!

Around the 50 minute mark I was thinking, "Oh goody! This film only has 30 minutes left to go." Little did I know that it would seem like 2 hours for those 30 minutes to pass! Lord how I prayed to be abducted by aliens, struck down by a bolt of lightening, eaten alive by rabid weasels, ANYTHING to make the pain of this film stop! My prayers went unanswered as the Gods sat atop the world mocking me in my time of need!

Stupid plot, bad acting, even worse direction, awful writing, ridiculous premise, the list just goes on and on. I could continue, but I think my time would be much better spent picking scabs off the back of a $3 truck stop whore named Josephine, so I'm off!!