Curse of the Screaming Dead
Curse of the Cannibal Confederates
Wyatt - Obviously the brains of the bunch. Not a major accomplishment judging by the rest of the group! Saves his ass by returning the Zombie General's diary!
Lin - Irritating Asian girl who doesn't die! Not very loving of her poor sister and down right rude at times.
Mel - You can take the guy out of the trailer park, but you just can't get the trailer park out of the guy! Steals the diary and is a major assh*le! Choked to death by Confederate flag-bearer.
Sarah - Blonde bitch who gets Mel to steal the diary. Very active in women's lib! Ends up a late night snack for zombies.
Bill - Blonde guy who is with Sarah. Whipped and yet not getting any. Turned into a smorgasbord for lame ass zombies.
Blind Kiyomi - Hot, blind, whiny, and very annoying Asian babe! Able to work her way around all obstacles with out aid. Chowed upon by confederate udead.
Captain Hal - Old police officer who comes to save the day. I bet he would have been faster had he not left his walker in the car. Eaten by zombies.
Deputy Franklin - Cop old enough to be retired and yet, still only a deputy. Mauled by zombies.
*I'm gonna shoot me a buck! A big sucker!
*Well don't just stand there, take the flag!
*She may be blind, but she knows a raw deal when she sees one.
*He's a big boy miss. No lunatic with a hank of rope and a sense of humor is going to scare him!
2min: I hope he dies a horrible death involving gerbils!
3min: And I hope she's next.
4min: What the hell was that "dub over" for?
5min: I certainly hope those "dub overs" don't persist.
7min: O.K., The guys are in long pants and jackets and the girls are in Bikini's? This makes no frickin' sense.
15min: My kingdom for a steadycam!
20min: This frickin' "exploration" scene has lasted for over 5 minutes, and with no developement!
22min: I'm hearing bells too but I think it's due to my banging my head against the wall.
24min: THAT WASN'T EVEN HIS VOICE!
27min: Wait, wait, wait, The dead are jealous of their own pain?
30min: Oh God how I would welcome death right now!
38min: Jumpin' Jehosaphat! Are they going to show ALL 50 soldiers rise?
47min: Boohoo, poor frickin' Cubby. NOW SHUT THE HELL UP!
51min: Where's the justice? I want you to die!
55min: Hey, if you're so lost, Why not go to that house right behind you!
57min: Oh goody! The handicapped .. er .. the Police!
59min: Am I the only one here who sees the constant daylight changes?
65min: That's like the 9th time we've seen that same zombie head explode.
68min: If he just pulled those organs out of him, shouldn't he at least have a hole in him or even one in his shirt?
86min: Oh Tony Malanowski, You are so at the top of Neo's list!
Oh Goddess. I have never, ever, in my life thought that any one would, or could, make a movie like this! I've seen all kinds of things. I've seen zippers in the back of "monsters". I've seen Godzilla drop what is quite obviously a toy car, and the scene cut to an exploding real vehicle. I've seen Howling:New Moon Rising and The Creeps and a half a dozen other movies that shouldn't qualify as "movies", but I have never seen something suck on this scale! It managed to create a vacuum because it sucked and blew at the same time. Don't watch this movie! I actually felt pain, physical pain, watching this movie. That maybe because I was banging my head against the wall and trying to chew my leg off!
Here's the simple plot. Some hicks steal a diary and their previous owners (dead confederate soldiers) begin to eat them until they give the diary back. Yep. That's the whole "plot". But let me tell you, simple as it may be, the director actors and producer managed to feck the whole thing up so badly that 20minutes into the movie, if you are still watching it, it's because someone is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to! Damn you Neo. Damn you straight to Hell!
Why is it so bad you ask? It's not something you can quite put a finger on, but the fact that the zombies sounded like they were having orgasms through half the movie, and the fact that the characters were so annoying I wanted to go back and watch Jimmy Quinn in "Q", may have something to do with it. Then there's this fact that they keep showing the same 3 scene over, and over, and over, and over, and over again, until you want to rip your own arm off so you can beat yourself to death. And the fact that they keep pulling bodily organs from people, THROUGH THEIR SHIRT, They showed this scene, by the way, about 53 times, so that we can see the whole editing feck up 53 times. I honestly think that if I wind up in hell, I'll be strapped into a wooden chair with my eye lids sewn open and this movie playing over and over again!
Well, I have to go burn my copy of Curse of the Screaming Dead, so please heed my warning. Awww who am I kidding, I know you fools will watch it out of curiosity, then you'll know, Then you'll all know ... (babbles insanely)
Bill and his gang of idiots, decide to go on their usual camping trip only this time they take a new trail. A trail of DEATH! (laughs maniacally). The trail leads to an old church and grave yard where about 40 or 50 dead soldiers are buried but not before being tortured to death by the Union.
There was plenty of foreshadowing with the cute blind woman, Kiyomi, warning the *sigh* people about not stealing from the dead. Of course you know no one listens or read the Survival Guide so they take all they can cram into their greedy inbred pockets! This leads to an eight to ten minute scene where the confederate dead rise from their graves WWE style.
They set about on their mission to retrieve what was taken from them. Eating anyone who gets in their way. Although not that bad looking, some of them were just frickin' retarded. How were some decomposed and some just painted white? Why were the ones in masks able to make noise and talk yet not open their mouths? Good God do I hate this film with an unhealthy passion!
Let's not dwell or waste time on all the bad parts like the masks, cheap make-up, matchbox cars in flames, and stupid set-up useless scenes like the women in the bikini's in the dead of winter. Let's spend some time on the inconsistencies like semi-trucks blowing their horns in the back ground, the house clearly visible, or people falling on nice lush green lawns all the while trying to make you believe they are lost in the woods!
It took me three tries to see this film from beginning to end. The first time I couldn't handle it and knocked myself out by banging my head against the wall. The second time I left poor hamster in The Dungeon by himself to watch it while I answered any and all phone calls holding conversations with who ever was on the other end, just so I wouldn't have to watch any more. Telemarketers loved me that day. Most recently was the third time. This time I went prepared. I taped pillows to the walls, hid all the sharp objects and had hamster hide all my game systems. I disconnected the phone and set back for what I knew was going to be a living Hell! Needless to say, I finally did it! Of course I did suffer some loss of mental compentencies and temporarily lost control of my bladder and colon. I am now also spending 3 months in a "special" hospital but I should be out soon and reviewing for you fine folks once again real soon! But until then, I have to go. My green Jello™ and straw have just arrived. mmmmmmm jello.