BLACK ROSES
1988Imperial
Entertainment
Rated R90min
RATINGS
HamsterNeo




Mr. Matt Moorehouse - Poetry/english teacher by day, Demon thwarter by night. Helps rid the town of the evil Kato Kalin wanna-be's all the while fending off advances by one sexy student.

Julie Sullivan - Sexy student who has a thing for Matt. Kills quite a few people before coming to her senses that 80's rock just plain sucks!

Johnny - Has a thing for Julie and whining about how his life sucks donkey ass! Shoots his own father because Damian told him to through a rock power ballad.

Damian - Lead singer to Black Roses and head demon of the "Rock Invasion". Eventually run out of town by fire and Matt.

Mayor Neil Farnsworth - Mayor. Did I really have to spell that one out for you? Pretty much a useless character but help serve as emotional set up for his daughter's death.

Pricilla - The Mayor's Daughter. Obviously had something with Matt at one point in time but the relationship looks like it failed because of Julie. Throat was slit by Julie.

Janie Miller - Slut girl who sets up her father's death with her friend. Hot but a little slow in the mental area.

Tina - Janie's "Whore in Training" friend who eventually give's Mr. Miller a heart attack due to her stripping show.

Tony Aimes & his pop - Tony is the muscle bound neanderthal who seems to like Black Roses a little too much. Eventually summons forth a Cerwin-Vega monster to eat his father.




* Let's make blood city!

* I said I was gonna paint the town red and that's what I'm gonna Do!

* Only two kinds of guys wear earrings. Pirates and Faggots and I don't see a ship in our driveway!




* Sound waves not only can tear the flesh from your face, but they can also remove your dye job!

* A simple cartoon skull means a whole hell of a lot more than it appears!

* Whining and compaining about your future will not win over your date!

* Once oxygen hits red paint, it ignites!

* Rock invasions are led by Kevin Sorbo impersonators!

* Satan has no taste in music

* Stereo monsters love Italian

* Demons are easily defeated by poetry teachers

* Heaven gets all the smart people and Hell gets all the retards!




1min: Damn the music in the 80's sucked! You would think a band of devil worshippers would have more edge!
14min: I'm singin' in the rain! Yes singin' in the rain!!
15min: Random act of violence against an sign!
17min: Strange mist and burning paint. Never a good sign!
21min: Men should NOT wear leather! ICK!!
25min: ARRRGGGHHH!!! His outfit got worse!! He looks like he is going to a S&M club!
34min: OH NO!!! There's a monster in my speaker! I better crawl away slowly rather than standing up and RUNNING!!
39min: Random act of violence against a car window.
44min: Random gratuitous breast shot!
45min: Random act of violence against an action figure.
47min: Random act of violence against a trash can.
48min: Random gratuitous breast shot!
51min: Random gratuitous breast shot!
60min: Random gratuitous breast shot!
61min: Do they really need to show her breast exam?
68min: Random gratuitous breast shot!
70min: I kind of feel like that when I don't get "any" also.
71min: Damian looks a lot better as a demon than he does as an impersonation of the lead singer to Cinderella!




The 80's. This was a time in history when music truely sucked ass! Hair bands like Warrant and pop icons like Prince and Michael Jackson still annoy me today. The 80's also produced b-movies and even mainstream movies filled with shallow, bland characters with no heart or personality. Characters whose motives and backgrounds are so empty and meaningless they threaten to consume the cosmos in a black hole of souless crap!
Black Roses neatly combines crappy 80's music with crappy 80's movies! A "rock" band deceides to play a series of concerts in some sh*tty little town. The band in question is seen as an evil influence on the teenage cannon fodder living in town. So the town's leaders sit in on the first concert and deceide after one song that the band is perfectly wholesome. Of course after the second concert, the teens begin slaughtering the populace.
I would like to make one thing perfectly straight!
For a Satanically influenced band, the Black Roses have about as much edge as a Barney sing-a-long. Their leader, Damian (real original),dresses like his plans for the evening are going to a gay pride parade, followed by a night at an exclusive S&M dungeon! (no affiliation to Neo & Hamster's Dungeon!) Of course in the 80's it was perfectly acceptable for male lead singers to look like chicks, so hey, whatever!
At least a lot of annoying people got eaten, stabbed, slashed, fell out of 3rd story buildings, or had heart attacks! The movie did have a few neat looking monsters too! One of the poetry teacher's female students turned into an odd big headed freaky sex craving monster I liked. One guy was eaten by his stereo too.
If you can tolerate the bad music, this flick is worth a rental!






I deceided it was about time to get my mom in on this torture of Bad Movies Reviews and this was the film SHE chose to watch. She remembered how back in the 80's we searched for weeks on end trying to find the soundtrack to this for me. It's amazing how memories can make almost everything seem like it was good and fun ... Right up until you pop that tape into the VCR and settle back for a trip down memory lane!
Released on Metal Blade Records this soundtrack features bands like Hallow's Eve, King Cobra, Tempest, Lizzy Borden, and even the title band Black Roses. Perhaps the best song on the whole soundtrack, Lizzy Borden's "Me Against the World" seemed to be the staple song and thus run into the ground. Forcing us to listen to it scene after scene driving us mad with the desire to kill Alex Woltman and Elliot Solomon. The "music" supervisors for this film.
We open our film at a concert where GWAR ... er ... I mean our demonic band is playing and warping the fragile minds of our young children. Mullets and clenched fists were being waved around like pesos at a mexican cock fight. The police try to break in and put a stop to the obvious display of teens having fun but to no avail of course! Suddenly the crowd spills forth from the arena screaming and running as if Celine Dion took the stage for a rousing 4 hour edition of "My Heart Will Go On". Police and onlookers alike are crushed as the new demons begin to run rampant on the unsuspecting city.
Cut to a small town and we see a few Lamborghinis rolling in and poorly animated rose vines working their way across the street. Black Roses have declared they will be kicking off their tour in the sleepy town of Mill Basin, but the towns people don't want their satanic and anti-social lyrics amped into their children's ears and brains. Of course the children fight back and the parents deceide to sit in on the first of 3 concert dates scheduled in their small town. Seeing nothing wrong with the first 3 seconds of the first song "We're On Our Way To Paradise" by Black Roses, they allow the concerts to continue. Evil then ensues as the music turns the teens into killers and demons slaughtering the townsfolk. Riddled with Fabio and Kevin Sorbo impersonations this film scored a 3on my part but only for the soundtrack. The women weren't that attractive, the plot was loose and weak, even for the 80's, and the demons were all too easily defeated and run out of town.
With any luck the makers of this film will die horrible deaths involving rabid chimps with hot alien anal pokers!!