Biohazard
1984	Viking Films International
Rated NR	80min
RATINGS
Neo

Lisa Martyn - Perhaps the only reason to watch this film is for the psychotic ... er ... psychic character Lisa. This buxom heroin is played by non-other than Angelique. Was this really the high point of her career? Anyway, Lisa has an amazing power, that when partnered with government technology, allows her to pull in deadl children in alien costumes. Maybe one day this will all help to put an end to cancer, aids, war, death, blah blah blah ...

Mitchell Carter - Carter here is our "hero" of the film. Of course he is no longer in an upstanding postion in our fine military, which I believe is shown why later when he tries to close an alien device using the handle of a hammer. Anyway, this fine chap takes it upon himself to help hunt down the alien and destroy it. I would have liked his character a lot more had it had some sort of purpose!

Mike Hodgeson - Carter's friend and one little greedy sum-na-beeotch! He is punished later when he tries to steal a little bit of alien technology in the hopes of selling it for his his "million dollars." Of course this leads to his releasing an alien creature, with Carter's help of course, that begins to tear out his throat! Thank God his brother Joel went on to better things! (I wonder how many people will get the MST3k reference.)

General Randolph - Typical militay type. The kind of person you love to hate. He did his part very well, although confronted with perhaps the worst lines ever in the history of sci-fi. After the creature is released you don't get to see Randolph very much. Maybe it's for the best since they wanted to keep this movie on a purely craptacular level!

Reiger - Vietnam reject who, and this is purely based on spoken back story, killed women and children instead of the target over there. This pint sized jackass busts his hieny trying to insult Carter and fails most of the time. Kind of like his life I suppose. Anyway, he finally gets his when a more than obvious alien rip-off wraps itself around his face!

Other minor characters - Dr. Williams, Cliff, Rula & Jack Murphy, Jenny, & Roger. All of which rather unimportant other than for cool death scenes. Cliff for example gets his act and throat torn to bits by a midget alien, Roger has his face semi-melted by said alien, and so on.

*Watch out for the rocks. Rattlesnakes and all.

*If you jump out and scare me, I'm cutting you off for a month!

*This is preposterous. A clear waste of government money!

*Cut. I think that's it.

• Child labor laws do not apply to movies.
• All you need to make a film a cult classic is a bimbo with huge ... tracks of land!
• It is perfectly ok to eat chips and drink cans of soda around electrical circuitry while working on it!
• Sofia is the capital of Bulgara.
• I shouldn't watch Jeopardy while trying to review a movie.
• Someone can make a worse movie than Roger Corman.

12min: I'll have a large fry, pie, large coffee.
17min: What were we supposed to have seen?
20min: The tires on the truck shrunk.
21min: whoop. Back to normal.
31min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot.
36min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot.
47min: Kill her!
53min: That is one amazing outfit!
61min: Finally. Someone else who doesn't like E.T.!
67min: Blatant Alien rip-off!
70min: That would ruin most wet dreams.
76min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot.
77min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot.
79min: Random Gratuitous Breast Shot.

The basic plot is that there has been an experimental psychic project dealing with matter transferance from one dimension to ours. What could go wrong right? Our government has finally taken an interest in what it has been funding all these years and decides to involve itself. Oh, that's what could go wrong! Anyway, it sends an audience to witness that strange phenomena, and half of it gets lost on the way. Once all together, Lisa (resident psychic) demonstraits how her brain can grab certain objects and reel them in to our side of the galaxy. In doing so she materializes a statue and a teeny-tiny spaceship. Of course now the military steps in, seizes said ship, and demands the project be shut down. This of course leads to a midget alien being released upon a small southwest town where it begins to rip and tear every living being it comes in contact with. With the help of Lisa's ... snicker ... brain and a geiger counter they hunt down this abomination. No no. The alien. Not the director.

All in all it was an ok film at best. The first time I saw I actually fell asleep half way through. That's a feat within itself. I usually don't fall asleep during a movie unless it was directed by Kevin Costner or Tim Burton's name is attached somehow. After I watched it the second time I had a whole new appreciation for Corman's work! I know he had nothing to do with it, but now I like his stuff compared to this film! Riding the wake of Alien popularity I suppose it was a pretty decent homage. I just wish they would have used a normal sized alien. The kid in a suit was simply humorous and rather silly compared to what it could have been.