Thir13en Ghosts
2001Dark Casle
Rated R91min

Arthur - Arthur is played by good 'ol Tony S. and is supposed to be a math teacher. Thankfully some truth is played out in this film since his profession did nothing to save him and was never brought into play. Although a little slow on the uptae, Arthur is still the brains of the bunch.

Cyrus - Cyrus is a ghost collector who has spent his entire life squandering money from the family fortune to build a giant glass house used to house killer spirits. I can see how he is the favorite. This heartless S.O.B. gets what's his when he is torn to pieces by his "pets."

Dennis Rafkin - This comic relief, and the only character with a lick of sense, is played by my pal, Mathew Lillard. His character only goes to support my theory later in the review. He is the sidekick to Cyrus who happens to have psychic powers that Cyrus exploits of course. He is a sort of divining rod for restless spirits. Anyway he is broken by one of the killer ghosts.

Bobby - This morbid waste of skin is the little son to Arthur. He spends most of his life documenting deaths from the newspaper and calling his sister a slut. Oh how I wanted him to be plucked from his scooter and slashed to ribbons. Unfortunately he is held hostage by Cyrus in the hopes that Arthur would kill himself for them.

Kathy - Here is the sex quota for this film. Shannon Elizabeth is just so frickin' hott and it's a shame she is so stuck up and snooty because that really brings her down a notch or two. She almost bites in early on by my favorite ghost but is saved when her father comes busting into her bathroom ... perv. Anyway, she lives on to become another hostage for Cyrus.

Maggie - All I am going to say is that this is the most useless character in the whole film!

Ben Moss - Ben was Cyrus' lawyer and the main person to lure Arthur and Co. to the little funhouse. He must have been in on the whole thing or at least knew about it but they never go into any detail explaining. He gets his when he is sliced in half by the patio door after trying to steal the money and starting the whole machine to hell thing.

Damon & Kolina - These two make up what I call "Greenpeace for Ghosts." They seem to have dedicated their lives to stopping Cyrus from collecting these dangerous spirits and locking them away. Damon bites it early on in the junkyard and Kolina lives to show her true colors, only to bite it herself.

*Who are you to play God?

*Did the lawyer split?

*Family, just so we all clear, Miss Maggie don't do windows!

*Did I say there was a petting zoo downstairs?

*How do you lose an entire family in a glass house?

*I'm getting my ass out of the big glass house.

*Oh thank you Dr. Phil!

12min: Does every bill company use the same blue rubber stamp?
17min: Are you really done now?
21min: No one questions this odd key?
24min: oh ... ha ha ... a pun.
30min: WHOA! SPAWN STUFF!!! Ladies and gentleman, the highlight of the film!
34min: Um, He had a suit on under that jumpsuit?
36min: That is one sexy ghost bitch! Hell, I wouldn't mind giving her some of my ectoplasm.
39min: Sorry? Sorry for what?
72min: I really hate this sassy urban crap!
87min: Oh great, they're free.

I hate this film with a bloody passion. Really that should be the end of the review but hey, you know me. First off, I did get an email from someone talking about there being more than 13 ghosts. I myself remember there being more when I counted in the theatre but according to the DVD, they were dead on. I checked the ghost files in the features, I even counted in the film, and there were 13. Now, with that out of the way, let me also point out to you that the film on the DVD had some changes compared to the film I saw on the big screen. They actually cut more out of it. Remember seeing Cyrus' obituary? You wont see it on the DVD version.

The biggest thing I hated about this film, and believe me it was close between 1st and 2nd, is the fact that continuity is just nonexistent in this film. I mean come on, when Cyrus' video will is playing on the laptop, the pause button is what's showing. The degree of the mother's burns is constantly changing and to make matters worse, the writers of this cinematic "triumph" contradict themselves over and over.

Anyway, the story goes like this. Arhtur is a happy guy with a lovely wife, great job, and two kids. One of which, Kathy, is extremely hot! Six months prior to the time in the film, Arthur's wife is killed in a house fire sending Arthur into a downward spiral of over due bills and a compulsion to hire useless nannies/maids. This is until one day a lawyer shows up and tells him that his great uncle Cyrus has died and left him his entire fortune. So he loaded up the truck and moved to bev-er-lee. Little did he know that his uncle also had a compulsion of his own. He collected ghosts to create the dark zodiac in the hopes of opening some gateway and gaining all the knowledge there is. Of course he needed to have Arthur kill himself first though. This leads to some wise crackin' urban quips, and some useless scenes of a glass house. Although it was very beautiful, the house really just an excuse for filler. How many times did we have to take a 3D tour of this house without characters even being on screen?

Now most of my review can be read in my rants section or by clicking here. ---> (Right here baby) but in a bit of a recap, let me point a few things out. It says in the film that a ghost is created when a person is killed in a violent, unnecessary way. Now the lawyer dies in a prety cool but violent and unnecessary way yet he does not become a ghost. We know this because the house is designed to keep all spirits inside. Was this some sort of insider joke about lawyers having no soul? Look at Rafkin. He dies and is turned into a ghost yet his deah as not unnecessary because he died protecting Arthur. Over all this film was written very poorly and most likely not even reviewed before production started.

For my final questions, would I watch it again? Only on mute and just the scenes with Princess. Would I buy this DVD? Much like anything Victor Salva does, I won't put money into these people's pockets. If I get it on DVD, it's going to be by way of a pawn shop, or gift. Would I reccomend it to anyone else? Only my worst enemy. Was there anything I liked about the film? The ghosts! They looked amazing and Princess spent the whole movie naked. That's a major plus in my book! Even the back story on them on the DVD was great. Too bad we didn't get it in the film though.

On a side note, before I end this review, I would like to thank Mrs. Candelario for lending me this DVD. Although she knew how much pain this caused me and she still did it anyway. I have a sneaking suspicion she wanted to see me hurt. LoL Thanks again. I will be sure to lend you my DVD of the zombie film "Buttcrack." No seriously, it's a TROMA zombie film called "Buttcrack!" :-)